“This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven’t seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan’s fantasy camp.” – Seth Meyers
“President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama’s campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs.” – Jay Leno
“He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse.” – Bill Maher
“A lot of Americans don’t understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president.” – Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she’s been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.” – Seth Meyers
“First Lady Michelle Obama is a huge hit in England. There was a bit of controversy when she put her hand on the Queen’s back. The Queen took it as a gesture of friendship, but I think Michelle went a little too far when she tried to feed Camilla a carrot.” – Jay Leno
“Hillary Clinton set up a conference call with reporters yesterday, but when they dialed the State Dept., they were accidentally connected to a phone sex line. Which is just another way of saying Bill picked up.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Conservatives aren’t happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he’s interfering with private industry’s ability to run our country into the ground.” – Bill Maher
“The economy is horrible, isn’t it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it’s now a 401K-Mart.” – David Letterman
“Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on federal corruption charges. Reporters caught up with him while he was at Disney World. He still maintains he did nothing wrong. He made that statement in Fantasy Land.” – Jay Leno
“New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?” – Seth Meyers
“And guess which state joined the gay marriage bandwagon? You’ll never guess: Iowa. Iowa’s gay population, all two of them, rejoiced. Of course, they’ll wake up in the morning and think, ‘Oh, shit, we live in Iowa.'” – Bill Maher
“President Barack Obama gave a stern warning to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il not to go ahead with their plan to fire test missiles. Pretty stern warning to. He told him, ‘Hey, look what happened to the president of General Motors.'” – Jay Leno
