“President Obama is giving General Motors 60 days to come up with strategy of viability for the American taxpayers’ money. You know what G.M. should have said? ‘Hey, you first.'” – Jay Leno
“You know the big story yesterday? President Obama, he goes to the GM people and he says, ‘All right, look, guys, do you want any more dough? You’re going to have to get rid of your C.E.O., that Rick Wagoner. Tell him to take a hike and literally take a hike because he’s not getting a car out of here.’ So he’s gone. So he gets dumped. In addition to getting dumped, he receives a $20 million bonus to resign. Let that be a lesson to you other two big carmaker heads.” – David Letterman
“But Wagoner needs the $20 million because he got a G.M. car.” – David Letterman
“As you know, economists have been predicting the U.S. auto industry would be in big trouble. See, that’s why I have so many cars. I’ve been stockpiling. I was smart. I knew this would happen.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don’t survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that’s great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics.” – Jay Leno
“So the United States government is now running General Motors, because if there’s anyone who knows anything about streamlining costs, it’s the U.S. government, ladies and gentlemen.” – David Letterman
“Imagine that, the government in the car business. What’s that going to be like? Every time you hit OnStar, you get Joe Biden. ‘Hi, Joe Biden.'” – Jay Leno
“President Obama also said if you do buy a new car, you will be able to deduct – that’s right, I said deduct – the sales tax from your income taxes. Or you can just take a job with the White House and not have to pay taxes at all.” – Jay Leno
“Actually, this is highly unusual for the government to take this kind of action. I mean, the closest the previous administration came to getting involved in the car industry was Bush using jumper cables to jump-start Dick Cheney’s heart.” – Jay Leno
“President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the C.E.O.s of B.M.W. and Volkswagen.” –David Letterman
“President Obama left for Europe today for a meeting with the major world economic powers known as the G20. Or as they’re called now, ‘the Chapter 11.'” – Jay Leno
“But you know what he’s doing there? It’s the G20 summit, in which the 20 major economic powers get together and meet. And sadly, this year, the U.S. just missed the cut.” – David Letterman
“And you can see all these countries are not as wealthy as they used to be. Like today, the first meeting was held at a Red Roof Inn.” – Jay Leno
“The first place President Obama landed was England. And British Prime Minister Gordon Brown told President Obama, ‘Make yourself at home.’ So Obama fired the head of Rolls Royce and Jaguar. He said, ‘Get out.'” – Jay Leno
“But President Obama – this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back.” – David Letterman
“President Obama will get to meet Prince Charles, who is excited, because Obama has ears the same size as his.” – Craig Ferguson
“I think Obama will have a great time in London. It’s a lovely place. I used to live there. There are 12 million people in London and about 500 teeth.” – Craig Ferguson
“See, I feel confident that it’ll go well, because President Obama is very good with these economic leaders. He is a very good speaker, of course, and a good speech writer. See, the problem with President Bush was when he went to the summit, any time anyone said G20, he’d go, ‘Bingo!'” – Jay Leno
“Today, Salt Lake International Airport introduced a new X-ray machine at the airport that can see underneath your clothing. Security officials say this is necessary to make sure that no passengers smuggle on their dignity.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Now, I don’t know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you’re not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, ‘This is the worst news for smokers ever.’ The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn’t it, huh? Wasn’t that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?” – Jay Leno
“There’s a new tax on tobacco – 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It’s the biggest Federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. Ironic that they would hike taxes on people who cannot hike.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“And the number one movie in the country, ‘Monsters vs. Aliens,’ made over $59 million. Did much better than that other movie, ‘Lou Dobbs vs. Aliens.'” – Jay Leno
