“According to the New York Times, President Barack Obama plans to nominate Dr. Margaret A. Hamburg, a former New York City health commissioner to be the new head of the Food and Drug Administration. See, I think this is a chance for President Obama to step across party lines. You know who he should nominate for this job? Rush Limbaugh. No, no, think about it. Who has had more experience with food and drugs than Rush Limbaugh?” – Jay Leno
“In international news, the president of Madagascar left office after a popular radio host there rallied support against him and will likely take over in a special election. And today, Rush Limbaugh said, ‘You can do that?'” – Jay Leno
“Hey, Obama is being criticized for trying to solve too many problems at the same time. I’ll tell you one thing. This never would have happened if Bush were still president. We wouldn’t even be having this conversation.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama outlined new education goals that proposed longer school days and longer school years. ‘That’s a brilliant idea,’ said Katherine, the fifth grader nobody likes.” – Seth Meyers
“The president of Kazakhstan has proposed that we take the idea of the Euro one step further. He wants to have a single currency for the whole world. Every economy would be based on the same monetary unit. We’re doing that already. It’s called oil.” – Jay Leno
“Because of the bad economy, they’re laying off employees on ‘Sesame Street.’ It’s pretty sad. Elmo is now out on the street letting people tickle him for $5.” – Jay Leno
“The insurance company AIG has done it again. They announced they’re giving their executives another $165 million in bonuses. So they bankrupt the company, took $170 billion of our dollars, and they’re giving out bonuses. You know the main thing they want to reward their people for? Convincing the Treasury Department to give out $170 billion to a failing company so they can give out bonuses for a job well done. It’s very well thought out.” – Jay Leno
“AIG, which already received $170 billion in taxpayers’ money, paid $165 million in bonuses. But they say the bonuses are justified because the company made an extra $170 billion last year.” – Jay Leno
“Earlier this week, Republican Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa said that AIG executives should follow the Japanese model by publicly apologizing and then doing one of two things — either resign or kill themselves. But why not have them resign, then kill themselves on pay per view, huh? That would raise enough money to pay off everybody they screwed.” – Jay Leno
“‘The Washington Post’ reporting that senior executives at AIG whose decisions caused the companies to collapse are long gone and that these bonuses that everybody’s complaining about are actually being paid to people who are trying to fix the problem. Okay, here’s my thing. Fix the problem, then you get the bonus.” – Jay Leno
“AIG says they’re trying to raise more money by selling their big office building in New York. It’s 66 stories! And not one of them is the truth.” – Jay Leno
“Here’s the best part. They don’t have to account for any of this. Now it turns out they gave $35 billion — not million — $35 billion of our money to bail out European banks. See, this is how a global economy works. Our hard earned tax dollars are used to bail out German banks for making bad investments in American companies that shut down because their Japanese owners moved the whole thing to India, China and Mexico. You follow?” – Jay Leno
“I just love this story. Police in Illinois claim that Gary Skoien, who is the former chairman of the Cook County Republican Party, was in his childrens’ play room at 1:00 a.m. in the morning with two hookers, when his wife walks in, catches him and the wife beats him up with a toy guitar. And she’s like a superstar. In fact, women in the neighborhood now call her Guitar Hero.” – Jay Leno
“New research out of the University of Virginia says that our mental abilities begin to decline around the age of 27. In fact, by the age of 50, many of us are thinking at a President Bush level.” – Jay Leno
