“Hey, before we get started tonight, I want to remind any potential cabinet members you have until April 15th to not pay your taxes, okay?” – Jay Leno
“Well, earlier this week, President Obama took on the teachers union by saying he wants merit pay for teachers and to fire the ones who do not perform well. That is pretty bold. A Democrat taking on the unions? That’s like Rush Limbaugh going after the donut manufacturers.” – Jay Leno
“There was a big rally on Wall Street yesterday after Citigroup reported a profit for the first two months of the year. That just goes to show you what determination, hard work, and $45 billion of our bailout dollars can do.” – Jay Leno
“General Motors says they won’t need the $2 billion bailout money after all. Apparently they’re getting great returns with some guy named Madoff.” – Craig Ferguson
“Madoff’s victims thought they were making nice, safe investments. Now I’m certainly not blaming them, but maybe they should’ve been tipped off by the guy’s name. ‘Made-off.'” – Craig Ferguson
“Bernie and his wife Ruth want to keep $69 million. They said that’s not money they swindled. That’s just money they had laying around. That’s money they saved by switching to Geico.” – David Letterman
“President Obama today said he believes that American children should go to school longer, either staying later in the day every day, or longer in the summer, if we want to stay competitive with other countries. The president said we can’t stick with the school calendar that was created during a time when most Americans were farmers, and he is right. We need a new school calendar for a time when most Americans are unemployed. So he’s thinking about the future, which is good.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson have broken up. That’s right. That’s right. And apparently it was not that big a surprise. Even the Russians saw it coming.” – David Letterman
“Another big bailout yesterday. Levi Johnson bailed out of his engagement to Sarah Palin’s daughter. It’s now officially confirmed that Bristol Palin has broken off her engagement to Levi Johnson, the father of her baby. Yeah. See, their relationship never evolved because they don’t believe in evolution.” – Jay Leno
“I think secretly, Rush Limbaugh wanted them to fail.” – David Letterman
“But right about now, Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with her rifle.” – David Letterman
“The journalist who threw his shoes at George Bush was convicted on Thursday in an Iraqi court. He was sentenced to three years of non-stop high-fives.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Bush’s first speech on the lecture circuit is June 17 in Pennsylvania. President Bush will discuss his eight years in office and the challenges facing us in the 21st century. Of course, the biggest challenge, getting over his eight years in office.” – Jay Leno
“Former presidential candidate John Edwards spoke to Brown University last night to a crowd of 600 people. I think the topic was ‘From Hair to Paternity.'” – Jay Leno
