“But do you know anything about the Dow Jones, ladies and gentlemen? The Dow Jones average went down to 6,000. Do you know what that means? Neither do
I, but it’s the first time in 12 years that the Dow has been the same as Rush Limbaugh’s cholesterol.” -David Letterman
“According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they’re worried about the economy. I think also it might have something to do with the fact they’re sleeping under bridges.” – Craig Ferguson
“Was it nice outside today or not? Yeah! Sunny. I thought it was a very sunny day. I’m driving to work today and I saw a foreclosure sign with an awning.” -David Letterman
“Beautiful day. It was so sunny, as a matter of fact, down on Wall Street, the stockbrokers were applying sunscreen before they jumped.” -David Letterman
“And according to a top Russian scholar, the US economy will collapse next year, which comes as a huge shock to most people. I think we thought it was going to collapse this year, so we’ve got another year to party. Yeah!” -Jay Leno
“One in 10 Californians are now unemployed. Unfortunately, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t one of them.” -Craig Ferguson
“I’ll tell you, the economy is in bad shape in this country, but the local economy here in Los Angeles is improving, especially if your name is Manny Ramirez. Yeah. Hear about this? Ramirez signed a two-year, $45 million deal with pro baseball’s Los Angeles Dodgers. And Ramirez played hardball for that money. He told the Dodgers that if they did not give him the money he was asking for, he was going to leave and go over to AIG, who has plenty of dough.” -Jay Leno
“You guys know anything about this weasel, this rodent, Bernie Madoff? He decided what he would do would be to swindle his friends. And so he did a pretty good job. He got them for $50 billion, and now his lovely wife Ruth was able to get 69 million. And she wants to keep that. She and her husband say it’s not fraud money, it’s money they saved on gas by fully inflating their tires.” -David Letterman
“And Bernard Madoff, the man who operated the Ponzi scream that screwed $50 billion out of people is now saying he should be allowed to keep $62 million and his $7 million penthouse. Yeah. His lawyers are arguing he needs that money to live out the rest of his life. You know, I’ve got a solution for that, okay? It’s called the death penalty.” -Jay Leno
“Hey, quite, quite a scare in Washington, DC, today. You may have heard about this. Police were called to the White House. Apparently, President Obama was in a meeting with some potential cabinet nominees. Someone noticed a suspicious looking document on the table no one had ever seen before. Turns out it was just a tax form, but it gave them quite a fright.” -Jay Leno
“I love this story. The President’s latest nominee, this one for US trade representative, a man named Ron Kirk, who owes the government $10,000 in back taxes, has agreed to pay his taxes. That’s what the paper said today. He’s agreed to pay them. When was there a choice?” -Jay Leno
“And Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he plans to go after tax evaders after failing to pay his own taxes. It is all part of the government’s “Operation Do As I Say, Not As I Do.'” -Jay Leno
“As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they’ll probably go with a different body. I don’t want to say Rush is fat but he is a red state.” -David Letterman
“Rush Limbaugh has challenged President Obama to a debate. A White House spokesman said the President has bigger things to worry about. I’m thinking, ‘Really? Bigger than Rush Limbaugh?’ Have you seen Rush lately?” -Jay Leno
“Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, however. And he says that he can defeat President Obama in a debate. I’m thinking maybe a competitive eating contest, but I don’t know about a debate.” -David Letterman
“Here’s a cute story. You know the Obama kids? They got a swing set there on the White House lawn. And here’s the nice thing. This is what you like about Obama. He is a very conscientious guy. Thinks of everything, because the swing set didn’t cost the taxpayers anything. They built the swing set out of old pieces of Dick Cheney’s guard tower.” -David Letterman
“Barack Obama bought a brand new swing set for his daughters, Malia and Sasha. It has a slide and a rope ladder. It’s great. It’s much nicer than the one George Bush used.” -Jimmy Fallon
“So they got a swing set there on the White House lawn and I got to thinking, ‘Wow! There really hasn’t been any swinging at the White House since that heavyset intern.'” -David Letterman
“You know what famous pet passed way? Socks the cat, who was 9 years old so I guess it was time. But right up until the end, Bill Clinton was still blaming the cat for the fresh scratch marks on his back.” -Jay Leno
“Oh, big day in Washington, DC, today. Pretty boy Brad Pitt was down there talking to Congress. Brad Pitt, of course, married to the original octomom.” -David Letterman
