Political Irony

“Welcome to the first episode of ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.’ I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Well, let’s see what’s going on in the world. It was this week in 1854 that the Republican Party was founded with only a handful of true believers. Just like today.” -Jay Leno

“So, to summarize, the Conservative Political Action Conference consisted of the deriding of veterans, open calls for presidential failure, and the annihilation of an American city, all to save the United States from unpatriotic Democrats. Apparently, the only time you have to love this country is when it’s controlled by Republicans.” -Jon Stewart

“Actually, this past weekend, the Conservative Political Action Conference picked Mitt Romney over Sarah Palin in their straw poll to be the next presidential candidate. Yeah. Well, it’s kind of interesting. I mean, one is just a pretty face, obsessed with makeup and hair. And the other, of course, is the governor of Alaska.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, the Obamas are expecting the arrival of the first dog in April. Actually, it’s Obama’s second choice of a dog. The first dog, he had some tax problems.” -Jay Leno

“Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was on ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday. And he said that Barack Obama is more analytical than President Bush. Well, there’s a shock, huh? I think Tickle Me Elmo is more analytical than President Bush.” -Jay Leno

“Obama announced today we are finally, it’s official, getting out of Iraq. Because the way the economy is going, we’re going to need the troops here, for, you know, riot control.” -Bill Maher

“President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, ‘Thank you, but the economy’s better over here, so we’re going to stay.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“Obama said he hopes the terrorists don’t follow us home, but if they do, and they want to bring down a building, the CitiCorp Center is at Lexington and 53rd.” -Bill Maher

“Well, according to the financial columnist Liz Peek, who writes for the ‘Wall Street Weekly,’ Wall Street is giving President Obama an ‘F’ for his first month in office. George W. Bush was furious when he heard about this. He said, ‘Hey, that’s easy to do for one month. You try to maintain that ‘F’ for eight straight years, okay? Then call me. That’s when we’ll talk.'” -Jay Leno

“Yeah, CitiCorp got their third bailout from the taxpayers. We now own 36 percent of CitiCorp, huh? And the CEO of CitiBank said, ‘This does not change our strategy, our operations, or our governance.’ Well, that’s a relief. Just keep that s**tty bank magic going, would you?” -Bill Maher

“Did you hear about President Obama’s new budget? Actually, Obama will explain it all in his next major address, brought to you by China.” -Jimmy Fallon

“China has announced plans to create their own 24-hour news channel. They said it’s going to be like a Chinese CNN, basically. In fact, they’ve already hired Lou Dobbs to complain about illegal Mongolians sneaking over the border.” -Jay Leno

“During his trip to Ottawa, Canada, President Obama said he was too embarrassed to admit to the Canadians that he’d never actually seen a hockey game, to which the Canadians said, ‘Oh, don’t worry, we’ve never seen a black guy.'” -Jay Leno

“And after giving AIG $85 billion in September and then another $65 billion, what, in November, they’re now asking for another $30 billion. The government says they need to restructure the bailout. Restructure? How about rethink or revoke?” -Jay Leno

“Well, we got a big snowstorm here in New York City. Whew! I want to tell you, that Mayor Bloomberg is up to his ears in trouble. But the good news is that the foot of snow broke the fall of jumping stockbrokers.” -David Letterman

“A huge blizzard covered the East Coast with 10 inches of snow. Police said there would’ve been traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to.” -Craig Ferguson

“I had so much snow in the suburbs, you can’t see the foreclosure signs.” -David Letterman

“They had a lot of snow in Washington, so President Obama’s kids stayed home from school and played with Joe Biden.” -David Letterman

“Well, the Catholic observance of Lent started last week. How many have already given up their 401(k)s?” -Jay Leno

“How about that President Obama? You know what I’m saying? Let’s get some stuff done. And I guess over the weekend he went to a basketball game, went to see the Bulls and the Wizards. And I thought, well, hell, if he’d gone to a Knicks game, he could have played.” -David Letterman

“Here in California, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval ratings have been down lately. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, there’s two big pieces of news from Iran. The first is that the C.I.A. believes that the Iranians will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now. And second, the Iranians — and this is the interesting part — are demanding an apology from Hollywood. Are these things related? I hope not, actually.” -Craig Ferguson

“What happened is that yesterday, the arts and cinema adviser to the Iranian president, whose name is Mockmood Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, demanded an apology from Hollywood. He says that Hollywood makes movies that are offensive to Iranians. The story is in The New York Times so you know there may be some truth to it. Maybe.” -Craig Ferguson

“Remember last year, the Iranian President, Ahma-Dinner-Jacket, said there were no gays in Iran? Uh-huh. Let me see. There are no gays in Iran but the president has an ‘arts and cinema adviser.’ Kind of undercuts your case, you know what I mean?” -Craig Ferguson

“Anyway, the adviser pointed out that the movies he didn’t like were ‘300″ and ‘The Wrestler,’ which he said were offensive because they portray Iranians in a negative light. But what’s offensive about ‘300″? In that movie, the Persians — the Iranians — are sexually ambiguous, oiled-up party boys with abs of steel. I’d pay money to be portrayed like that!” -Craig Ferguson

“Oh, there are no gays in Iran but you watch ‘The Wrestler’ and ‘300″ back-to-back?’ The film ‘300″ could be the gayest movie ever made. There’s gay porn that’s less gay than ‘300.’” -Craig Ferguson

“But Hollywood never apologizes for anything, ever. Like, I’ve seen dozens of bad movies in my life. Nobody’s apologizing to me, Iran. But then again, I don’t have nuclear weapons. Oh, wait, neither do you, right?” -Craig Ferguson

“How many watched the Obama speech on Tuesday night? He delivered his first speech to a joint session of Congress. I watched at home with friends, also a joint session.” -Bill Maher

“Hey, speaking of that, our new attorney general, Eric Holder, said individual states are now going to determine their own marijuana laws, and that the DEA is going to end raids on the California cannabis club. So, ask your doctor if pot is right for you.” -Bill Maher

“But the speech. If you didn’t see it, I’ll give you the short version. We’re completely broke, and deeply in debt, but we’re going to do a bank rescue, universal healthcare, give everybody a college education, have a bigger war in Afghanistan, cut the deficit in half, and cure cancer. We were this close to universal blow jobs.” -Bill Maher

“It was a powerful speech. Joe Biden said it made the hair that was transplanted from the back of his neck stand up.” -Bill Maher