“Well, it’s Thursday. You know what that means? Another Obama Cabinet member nominee has quit.” -Jay Leno
“It’s a great day for America, everybody, but a very tough day for the President. Another Obama Cabinet pick has withdrawn his name from contention. Obama ‘s nominees are dropping faster than babies out of that octuplet mother.” -Craig Ferguson
“Well, just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg has withdrawn as the nominee for Commerce Secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited ‘irresolvable conflict.’ So, apparently, he must have paid his taxes.” -Jay Leno
“Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln, who was born 200 years ago today. And to mark the occasion, former Vice President Dick Cheney, earlier today, went into a theater and shot a guy.” -David Letterman
“Don’t you have a feeling it’s going to be a long time before we have a vice president who shoots a guy in the face? Just doesn’t happen that often.” -David Letterman
“It’s Abraham Lincoln’s 200th birthday, and to honor the occasion, the U.S. Mint is releasing a new penny that shows Lincoln’s house. That’s appropriate because that’s about how much a house is worth these days.” -Craig Ferguson
“I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, airlines are now charging extra if you want peanuts without salmonella.” -Jay Leno
“Michigan Congressman John Dingell has set the all-time record as the longest serving member of the U.S. House of Representatives. He’s been there 19,421 days. That’s the longest a member of Congress has ever been in one place well, if you don’t count federal prison.” -Jay Leno
“I don’t know what the deal is, but all of a sudden, we have 40- and 50 mile-an-hour gusts of wind blowing around outside. In fact, it is so windy, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s hair actually moved.” -David Letterman
“John McCain’s in the news. This week, Sen. John McCain sent out an e-mail to his supporters announcing that he’s running for re-election in 2010. Yeah. Isn’t that incredible? John McCain knows how to use e-mail.” -Conan O’Brien
