“Last night, Barack Obama held his first press conference as President of the United States, and it was fascinating because his press conferences are very different than the George Bush press conferences in many ways. There were verbs. There were syllables. There were complete sentences.” -Jay Leno
“Obama said he still believes in bipartisanship and he pledges to work with the Republicans to reduce the size of Jessica Simpson, who has reportedly put on some weight.” -David Letterman
“All the Democrats in the Senate and three Republicans voted for the stimulus bill. President Barack Obama says it’s going to take a lot of time before Republicans warm up to his many appeals for bipartisanship. The biggest hurdle, I guess, is how do you convince Republicans that being bipartisan doesn’t mean you have to have sex with other dudes.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“I miss the President Bush news conference. Like when they asked him a question, he’d go, ‘Uh, can I have a hint?'” -Jay Leno
“Yesterday, when President Obama — this is true — was getting into his helicopter, he accidentally bumped his head on the door. It was in the news, and when he heard about it, President Bush said, ‘See, it’s complicated, right? It’s not so easy. Doors are hard.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Now it’s time for another installment of ‘They took away Bush, but, by God, they gave us Joe Biden.’ As you know, Barack Obama out there selling this stimulus package. He believes in it. He can change America. Here’s Joe Biden talking: ‘You know, if we do everything right, we do it with absolute certainty, we stand up there and we make really tough decisions, there’s still a 30 percent chance we’re gonna get it wrong’. You think Obama’s sitting up there going, ‘Shut up! Shut up!’?” -Jay Leno
“Today, Barack Obama went to Florida and gave a big speech on the economy. Obama’s speech was interrupted five times by applause and six times by old people whispering, ‘Is he Cuban?'” -Conan O’Brien
“The Senate has passed an $838 billion stimulus bill. That is just under $3,000 for each person in America. And here’s how it’s going to work. On March 1st, every American will receive a roll of 30 $100 Obama stimulus coins. And you can either trade the coins with your friends or you can use them in special machines to buy stimulus nutrition bars.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And in Minnesota, Republican Norm Coleman, who is in a legal fight with Al Franken over who won the election for Senate, said, ‘God wants me to serve.’ But here is my question. How bad a candidate are you if you can’t win an election when you have the creator of the universe on your side?” -Jay Leno
“Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay, has filed to run for governor of California. Well, that makes sense. I mean, the state’s broke. If we’re going to start selling stuff, who better to be governor than the head of eBay?” -Jay Leno
“Down in Louisiana, a porn star named Stormy Daniels announced that before she commits to running for U.S. Senate, she will go on a statewide listening tour. Daniels added, and I’m quoting here, that she may ‘be a slut and a whore, but’ she is ‘not a criminal.’ But this is why she will never win. See, in the Senate, you have to be all three.” -Jay Leno
