“How about President Barack Obama’s first primetime press conference last night? He was cogent, eloquent, and in complete command of the issues. I’m thinking to myself, what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” -David Letterman
“Oh, here’s a bad sign. In Hawaii, a billion dollar Navy warship has run aground. They can’t get it unstuck. Its name? The U.S.S. Economy.” -Jay Leno
“And the jobless rate has jumped to 7.6 percent, the worst since 1974, and economists are now worried this could lead to a resurgence of disco.” -Jay Leno
“I tell you, the economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, President Barack Obama’s new slogan is ‘Spare Change You Can Believe In.'” -Jay Leno
“The economy is so bad, New York Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez had to switch from steroids to Flintstone vitamins.” -Jay Leno
“Last night, right here on CBS, they aired the annual Grammy Awards, and no surprise here, the Grammy for Best Duo went to Aretha Franklin and her hat.” -David Letterman
“Good news and bad news from FEMA. The bad news is FEMA says some of the disaster relief food they have may contain salmonella-tainted peanut butter. The good news is that since it’s FEMA, it will be years before it gets to anybody.” -Jay Leno
“And an elderly man in Boynton Beach, Florida, was arrested after he called 911 to report that the Burger King he was standing in had just run out of lemonade. It is so sad to see what’s happened to John McCain since the election.” -Jay Leno
“In Massachusetts, the lesbian couple who led the fight to legalize gay marriage has now filed for divorce. It’s sad. Yeah. The couple is really upset because they always swore they’d stay together for the sake of the cat.” -Conan O’Brien
“Anybody here in New York for the Westminster Kennel Club dog show? Some unfortunate news. A Jack Russell Terrier had to drop out because of tax problems.” -David Letterman
“Things are winding down here on the ‘Late Night’ show. Only 10 shows left, including tonight. A lot has changed since I started the show. When we came on the air back in 1993, the Federal debt was $4 trillion. Now, $4 trillion is how much President Obama’s Cabinet owes in back taxes.” -Conan O’Brien
