“Very exciting Super Bowl on Sunday, and they said every seat at Raymond James Stadium was a good seat. Unless, of course, you were sitting behind Aretha Franklin. ‘Hey, lady, the hat. Take the hat off, lady.'” -Jay Leno
“Right after Sunday’s Super Bowl, President Barack Obama placed a congratulatory phone call to the Steelers from his BlackBerry. Meanwhile, John McCain called the Cardinals from his ham radio.” -David Letterman
“You’ve got to love a guy like John McCain, but stuff is not going his way. He had a huge Super Bowl party, but people started clapping. And every time they did, the lights would go on and off.” -David Letterman
“Happy birthday to former Vice President Dick Cheney, who is now 68 years old. So you know what that means? He beat the spread.” -Jay Leno
“Today is Groundhog Day, and I don’t know why this stuff always goes haywire in Alaska. Here is what happened. A little bit of trouble. Groundhog comes out of its hole. Sarah Palin shoots it.” -David Letterman
“And the half brother of Barack Obama, a man named George Obama, has been arrested in Kenya for allegedly having drugs. See, here we go again with the dumb presidential brothers. Remember Billy Carter? Then there was Roger Clinton, Bill Clinton’s brother. See, we never had that problem with President Bush. He was already the dumb brother. ” -Jay Leno
“Tom Daschle, whom President Obama wants as secretary of health and human services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes the government. Did you realize President Obama hasn’t had a cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since the last guy they appointed?” -Jay Leno
“I do want to say a quick word to anyone out there who wants to bring change and hope to a deeply divided and suffering America: Pay your f**king taxes. We’re not asking you to be perfect. You want to be in the Cabinet? We’re not saying you can’t throw a little under the table to the Guatemalan nanny. You’re not saying you can’t accept a couple thanks-for-your-help fruit baskets from the boys down at Local 238. But Tom Daschle? Obama’s pick for Health secretary? $128,000 in taxes. That’s not $128,000 for a car and driver. That’s $128,000 in the taxes on, like, $400,000 of drivers. If you’re paying $300,000 to $400,000 for a driver, you’re driving too much. What do you wake up in the morning and have to go to the bathroom and go, ‘Driver? To the toilet.’ That’s how much money it would be for Miss Daisy if her driver was actually Morgan Freeman. So Tom Daschle, pay your taxes. And stop having Alfred bring you to work in the Batmobile. It’s too much money.” -Jon Stewart
“There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they are very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes.” -Jay Leno
“President Obama’s busy. He’s fighting very hard to get his stimulus package passed, and one of the senators resisting President Obama’s stimulus package the most is John McCain. John McCain’s resisting the package, yeah. Apparently, McCain’s biggest problem with the package is that it’s not in a larger font.” -Conan O’Brien
“And because of our huge budget crisis, California’s now going to delay paying your tax refunds, to which Tom Daschle said, ‘That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.'” -Jay Leno
“And former Maryland Lieutenant Governor Michael Steele has become the first African-American Republican National Committee chairman ever. Black Republicans said they were thrilled. Both of them.” -Jay Leno
“Michael Steele is the new RNC Chairman! …You know, Republicans, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here. He’s your voice of change, your Barack Obama. But, you know, it’s not as simple as that. I know you want to take his fight to the Democrats. But Michael Steele, he’s like, remember when your kid really wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas? But all the stores were sold out, so you went to Chinatown and got him a Giggle-Time All-Mo. Michael Steele is the Republican Party’s Giggle-Time All-Mo” -Jon Stewart
“Nation, we all know that the march toward socialism continues. Last Tuesday, Congress passed the Lilly Ledbetter law, which makes it easier to sue your employer for pay discrimination. … Now folks, I say this Ledbetter legislation is unfair. Women are the ones who get discriminated against the most, which means they’re going to benefit from this law more than men. That is sexist. Not to mention that many in the business community say ‘the measure could … discourage employers from hiring women.’ Exactly. If you can’t discriminate against women, what is the point in hiring them? I guess the only reasonable answer is to hire nothing but women and pay them all equally horribly. Well, Obama signed the bill on Thursday, which means I can no longer discriminate legally. From now on, I’m going to have to discriminate under the table, which will be difficult, because that’s where I usually do my harassment. It’s going to get very crowded down there.” -Stephen Colbert
