Political Irony

“People are still talking about Michelle Obama’s inaugural outfit. You know, I saw the designer on one of the cable shows and he said he didn’t even know that Michelle was going to wear his design. He said he was watching the inaugural ball on TV and was surprised to see her wearing it. On a related note, the designer of Aretha Franklin’s hat said he was also surprised when he saw Aretha wearing his design on her head because he originally designed it as a tote bag.” -Jay Leno

“President Obama still has not gotten used to the White House, apparently. This is true. Today, on his way into the Oval Office, he tried to mistakenly open a window that he thought was a door. That’s true. Yeah. White House employees said at first it made them laugh, then a wave of nostalgia washed over them.” -Conan O’Brien

“President Barack Obama gave his first sit-down interview as president to an Arab TV network. He’s reaching out to the Arab world. In fact, he even made a cameo appearance on one of the biggest sitcoms in the Arab world, ‘How I Met Your Mullah.'” -Jay Leno

“Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president. ” -Jay Leno

“Hey, did you see that a woman recently gave birth to eight babies? And out of force of habit, John Edwards went back into hiding.” -Jay Leno

“And freezing cold weather in Washington this week. The roads are so icy, Al Gore almost didn’t make it to his global warming speech today.” -Jay Leno

“It’s a great day for Al Gore, who went to Washington today to make a speech about the dangers of global warming, which is a bit embarrassing because Washington is in the middle of a huge ice storm right now.” -Craig Ferguson

“Al Gore told the Senate Foreign Relations Committee the Earth is in grave danger from global warming. But is this the best time to try to convince people that global warming is real, in the middle of a blizzard? He should come back in August when the air conditioner is broken, come out with a panting dog, and then maybe people will listen.” -Jay Leno

“But Al Gore will convince these lawmakers that global warming’s something to be concerned about. Because Al Gore has done everything. He won a Nobel Prize, won an Oscar, and was elected president.” -Craig Ferguson

“And the ‘Wall Street Journal’ reports that Bill Clinton made $4.7 million last year in speaking fees from foreign countries. And they say this will cause a conflict for Hillary as secretary of state, but Bill has vowed not to cause any problems for her. And believe me, when Bill Clinton makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.” -Jay Leno

“Big snowstorm has hit the northeast, and President Obama actually said this. He said that people in Washington can’t handle harsh winter weather like people in Chicago. But, to be fair, Chicago is shielded from the snow and ice by the protective dome of Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s hair.” -Conan O’Brien

“You folks know about this Rod Blagojevich, the governor from Illinois? Well, they’re trying to get him out of there because he’s a crook. And he was having an impeachment trial, and he said, ‘You know what, you kids go and have your little impeachment trial. I’m going to New York City, and I’m going to be on every TV show.’ Did you see the guy on TV? He was everywhere. I mean, this guy, he looks like the guy that tells you need new brake pads, you know?” -David Letterman

“And my favorite politician — Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich — was on the ‘Today’ show yesterday. And he compared himself to Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Gandhi. Really? You see his hair? I think he’s more like Skippy from ‘Family Ties.'” -Jay Leno

“Blagojevich looks like an insurance salesman that keeps calling you ‘Captain.’ ‘Hey, Captain.'” -David Letterman

“Blagojevich looks like a guy who backs you up with his aftershave. Whoah!” -David Letterman

“Blagojevich looks like a guy who disappears with your deposit after he takes your contracting contract.” -David Letterman

“Blagojevich looks like the guy who tries to set you up with his wife.” -David Letterman

“And a new study finds that it takes humans 30% longer to lie than it does to tell the truth. See, that’s why political speeches are so long.” -Jay Leno

“Hey, there’s a new HBO documentary out about Ted Haggard. Remember him? He was the preacher that got caught with the male hooker? Well, this new film focuses on Haggard’s relationship with his wife. I believe it’s called ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.'” -Jay Leno