“Cold outside right now. And I’m not a weatherman, but they say this frigid weather is coming off a cold front between New York Gov. David Paterson and Caroline Kennedy. That’s causing a frost.” -David Letterman
“Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?” -Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that’s not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?” -Jay Leno
“Today, President Barack Obama’s first interview as president with an Arabic news network was aired. He told the mostly Muslim nations that America has changed and said if they ‘unclench their fist,’ we will shake their hand. But they’re hesitant because Bush told them the same thing and then got them with a joy buzzer.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called ’30 Rocks.'” -Jay Leno
“Well, it looks like that prison, that detention center, in Guantanamo Bay is being closed. And people say, ‘Well, what are you going to do with all those folks who are down there, all those suspected terrorists and thugs and goons and nasty, awful people?’ We’re going to bring them up here to the Ed Sullivan Theater and put them in the audience.” -David Letterman
“But listen to this. They’re closing Guantanamo. That’s how bad things are, ladies and gentlemen. That’s how bad the economy is. You know it’s tough, you know the economy is bad, when even the terrorists are being laid off.” -David Letterman
“President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney’s retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?” -Jay Leno
“How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it’s fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there’s a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move.” -David Letterman
“But that’s not all. At midnight, the Obama girls hear creepy organ music coming from Cheney’s dungeon.” -David Letterman
“But Dick Cheney, you’ve got to give him credit. He’s enjoying his first week as a private citizen. In fact, today, he was out hunting human prey.” -David Letterman
“Actually, Cheney is relaxing at his ranch, the Triple Bypass.” -David Letterman
“And listen to this. It’s an amazing thing, but after eight years in office, former President George W. Bush is now in retirement. But how can you tell? Honestly. How can you tell?” -David Letterman
“Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts’ office today when he screwed up the words to ‘Happy Birthday.'” -David Letterman
“President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, ‘We can’t afford distractions’ or ‘delays.’ And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious.” -Jay Leno
“Last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they’re going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre.” -Jay Leno
“Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is everywhere on television. Yesterday, he was interviewed by Geraldo Rivera. They billed it as ‘an interview with the most hated man in America and Rod Blagojevich.'” -Conan O’Brien
“It’s a great day for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who is continuing on that media tour he’s doing. Yesterday, he was on ‘The View,’ the ‘Today’ show, and ‘Good Morning America.’ Today, his hair was on ‘Animal Planet’ and ‘Unsolved Mysteries.'” -Craig Ferguson
“Out in the Midwest, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was so cold he was trying to sell a Senate seat warmer.” -David Letterman
“And on ‘Good Morning America,’ Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn’t give him a car.” -Jay Leno
“Scary moment for Gov. Blagojevich earlier today. Several geese were sucked into his hair.” -David Letterman
“Gov. Blagojevich is being criticized because he recently compared his experience to that of Nelson Mandela. That may be a stretch, but at least he got the prison part right.” -Conan O’Brien
“Sen. John McCain has confirmed that as rumored, his wife Cindy was approached to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ but they turned it down. I guess they figured the McCains have lost enough competitions already.” -Jimmy Kimmel
