“President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are.” -David Letterman
“This news just came out. When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they apparently showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Yeah, word has it the video got them most of the way through take-off.” -Conan O’Brien
“Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It’s known as Rancho Inepto.” -David Letterman
“This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush. He’s too young to retire, yet still too old to destroy the moral and economic infrastructure of another country.” -Jay Leno
“Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it’s like he’s still president.” -David Letterman
“Aretha Franklin, who sang at the inaugural, says she’s not happy with her performance. She says the cold made it hard for her to sing. Yeah. Yeah, Aretha says she also got distracted when a weather satellite crashed into her hat.” -Conan O’Brien
“A lot of inauguration stuff is hitting the stores, including ‘The Cat and Aretha Franklin’s Hat’, a new children’s book that just came out today.” -Jay Leno
“It turns out the classical music played by Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman at the inauguration last week was not performed live. Well, a lot people were very upset when they heard about this, especially Ashlee Simpson. She said, ‘I could have done that gig.'” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama said today that the reality of becoming president has set in. So it sounds like the mother-in-law has already moved in.” -Jay Leno
“But I got to say, so far so good for the Obamas. The family is settled in. There’s the President and his wife and the kids and the mother-in-law. And they’re settling nicely. The only problem, the only complaint — and they don’t want to make trouble — but the only complaint is they can still hear creepy organ music coming from Dick Cheney’s dungeon.” -David Letterman
“But moving out, Dick Cheney hurt his back. Did you hear about this? He was packing up his junk and moving out of his office, and he hurt himself. So apparently, the door did just hit him in the ass on the way out.” -David Letterman
“I read today President Obama has made very few changes to the Oval Office itself. He’s keeping nearly everything President Bush had in there. Same desk, same chair, same pens. Well, sure, the stuff’s like brand new. It was hardly ever used.” -Jay Leno
“And as you know, President Obama has signed an executive order closing Guantanamo Bay. Well, the big problem, how do you get these inmates back to their home countries? They’re all on the do-not-fly list.” -Jay Leno
“Well, I mean, what’ll they do with them? I mean, look, most politicians don’t want them in their state or their district. Other countries don’t want them. Although, today, New York City’s Yellow Cab Company said, ‘Hey, we’ll take them.'” -Jay Leno
“Looks like the Obamas have already helped the economy. J. Crew stock has gone up 10%, because First Lady Michelle Obama has been spotted wearing their clothes. Which begs the question, Mr. Obama, how would you feel about wearing a Buick?” -Conan O’Brien
“Citigroup just got $45 billion of our tax dollars. Did you see what they bought themselves? They spent $50 million on a brand new, French-made private jet for their executives. Has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. You know, if there’s ever a reason to reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it, okay. That’s our jet! We should be taking that. They should be on Southwest.” -Jay Leno
“Cold outside. Lousy cold. Here is how cold it was. It was so cold today that Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts screwed up while ordering chowder. It was so cold, that thing on Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s head went into hibernation.” -David Letterman
“It’s a great day for America, everybody, but it is a bad day for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, whose impeachment began today. It turns out that Blagojevich said he had considered Oprah Winfrey for the Senate. That’s ridiculous! Oprah’s way too powerful to waste her time in the Senate, although she has enough money to buy the seat.” -Craig Ferguson
“By the way, today, Governor Blagojevich is being impeached. Of course, the state of Illinois is already searching for a new crooked politician to take his place.” -David Letterman
“And Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s impeachment trial got under way today. But he was not there. He didn’t go. He went on ‘The View’ instead, which is a pretty smart move, because it will help his case when he pleads insanity.” -Jay Leno
“Man, you could not watch television today without seeing Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who is saying all these crazy things about himself. Blagojevich did all these interviews, and in one of them, he compared himself to Martin Luther King. Yeah, Blagojevich said, ‘I have a dream, and for 100 bucks, I’ll tell you about it.'” -Conan O’Brien
“The state of New York is now back up to full strength in terms of senators, because we have a brand new senator by the name of Kirsten Gillibrand. She is taking Hillary Clinton’s old Senate seat, but the appointment took so long and it got so stupid that the people up there in Albany were actually talking about bringing back Spitzer.” -David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton’s replacement in the Senate, Kirsten Gillibrand, showed up to their joint press conference sporting a Hillary hairstyle and a nearly identical pantsuit, which explains why Bill Clinton was heard screaming, ‘Good Lord, there’s two of them!'” -Conan O’Brien
“But congratulations to Hillary Clinton, our new secretary of state, who was sworn in holding the Clinton family Bible. And it’s a special edition, because Bill had removed four Commandments.” -David Letterman
“Sam Adams, the openly gay mayor of Portland, Oregon, is being investigated for having an affair with a teenage male intern. You know, let me ask you. What happened to the good old days in this country, when if a politician wanted gay sex, by golly, he just tapped his foot three times in the men’s room?” -Jay Leno
Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It’s the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate.” -David Letterman
“And I love this story. Former French President Jacques Chirac was rushed to the hospital after being mauled by his clinically depressed poodle. See that’s how you know that the French are not fighters, okay? When their leader is attacked by a maniacal poodle.” -Jay Leno
