“It was announced today they’re coming out with an official Inauguration Day DVD. Listen to this, it’s going to contain a lot of extras, including the Supreme Court Justice John Roberts blooper reel. You don’t want to miss this.” -Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Obama had to have the oath of office re-administered by Chief Justice Roberts. You may remember, the first time they did it, it didn’t take, because they were both really drunk and screwed it up. Roberts mixed up some of the words, so yesterday, they decided to redo it, just to be safe. And this is why you need to get Regis for this stuff, because Regis doesn’t screw things up. If Regis delivered the oath, it would have been absolutely perfect. No?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Of course, the media frenzy over Barack Obama is just getting bigger and bigger. It is really contagious. In fact, now that Barack Obama’s president, Michael Jackson said he’s thinking about being black again.” -Jay Leno
“President Barack Obama signed an executive order calling for the closure of Guantanamo Bay within a year. Actually, you know how he can close it faster? Make it a bank, okay? It’ll shut down.” -Jay Leno
“Today, you probably heard this, President Obama signed the order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. That’s big. Closing it down. And, in the spirit of ending torture, Obama also ended the New Kids on the Block tour.” -Conan O’Brien
“He’s really getting tough. Yesterday, President Obama issued an executive order banning gifts from lobbyists, any gifts to anyone serving in his administration. In fact, today they went down and removed the gas pump that Exxon installed in Dick Cheney’s office.” -Jay Leno
“While Barack Obama was in the inaugural parade the other day, he was wearing what the Secret Service called a bullet-resistant suit. Did you see that? The suit was made out of what they call ‘bullet resistant material.’ You know, here’s my question, the man’s the president. Spend a couple of bucks, go the extra yard, get the ‘bullet proof’ suit. Okay?” -Jay Leno
“The Senate has confirmed Hillary Clinton as secretary of state. That means Hillary will be fourth in line for the presidency, after vice president, speaker of the house, and president pro-tem of the Senate, she is next. Which means they’re going to need extra security to protect the vice president, speaker of the house, and senate pro-tem of the Senate.” -Jay Leno
“Earlier today, President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton all appeared together at a press conference. They were all there. It’s cool. There was an awkward moment when both men realized they were wearing the same suit as Hillary.” -Conan O’Brien
“Caroline Kennedy, who was hoping to fill in Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat, has now taken her name out of contention. She’s out of it. New York Times reports that the reason Caroline Kennedy dropped out is because of housekeeper and tax issues. Dropped out ’cause of tax issues. The good news, she’s still eligible to be treasury secretary.” -Jay Leno
“President Obama’s chief of staff has ordered federal agencies to freeze funding on a lot of projects that President Bush tried to push through in his final days. Yeah, so, for now, the National Scooby-Doo Museum remains a distant dream. That’s not happening. Bush heard. He was like, ‘Rut roh!'” -Conan O’Brien
“On President Bush’s flight back to Texas on Tuesday, they showed a video of his accomplishments. So, apparently he didn’t fly over New Orleans.” -Jay Leno
