“And if you watch the news, you know a lot of celebrities in Washington for the inauguration. Isn’t that unbelievable? So many celebrities are out of town, over in Malibu, they had to close the Promises Rehab Center for a week.” -Jay Leno
“In less than 12 hours, Barack Obama will be sworn in as the next President. Yeah. Actually, if I were you — if I were you, I wouldn’t cheer. You’d be surprised how much President Bush can screw up in 12 hours. He just launched an attack on the Bahamas, okay?'” -Conan O’Brien
“Good luck trying to find a place to stay. Given how hard it is to get a room in Washington, even Bill and Hillary had to double up. ” -Jay Leno
“They’re going nuts in Washington, though. The festivities have already begun. Yesterday, in Washington, Barack Obama was on hand — did you see this? For performances by Jon Bon Jovi, Garth Brooks and John Mellencamp. Yeah. So, folks, it really is a new era for African-Americans. All the music they love.” -Conan O’Brien
“And that was quite a pre-inaugural show they put on in Washington yesterday. Then Barack Obama got up and he told the crowd that ‘anything is possible in America’ except, of course, the Eagles being in the Super Bowl.” -Jay Leno
“Earlier tonight, this is nice, Barack Obama hosted a dinner honoring John McCain. You can tell the dinner was to honor John McCain, because it was over by 4:00 P.M.” -Conan O’Brien
“You know, some people are really angry because the festivities for Barack Obama’s inauguration, guess what? Are gonna cost $170 million. Yeah, after hearing about it, Oprah said, ‘Don’t worry. This one’s on me.’ She put down her Amex card made of plutonium.” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush is winding things down. Yep, today was President Bush’s last full day in office. He called the leaders of Denmark, Italy, Russia and South Korea to say, ‘thank you.’ Yeah, his exact words were, ‘thank you for being one of the last four countries that will still take my calls.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Tomorrow, America will get to hear those four words we’ve been waiting for, ‘former President George Bush,’ President Bush said he is leaving Washington with his head held high, because it is the best way to spot shoes that are coming at you.” -Jay Leno
“Happy Martin Luther King Day. Isn’t it fitting that in his last day in office, President Bush takes a holiday?” -Craig Ferguson
“This is also Dick Cheney’s last full day in office. Actually, he spent the entire day trying to get the price of gas back up to $4 a gallon.” -Jay Leno
“I have inauguration fever. ‘Twas the night before the inauguration, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, as Dick Cheney tortured a mouse.” -Craig Ferguson
“The whole country has inauguration fever — at least 52 percent of the country. The other 48 percent are McCainiacs.” -Craig Ferguson
“At Washington’s Union Station, Ikea has built a replica of the Oval Office where all the furnishing have been replaced with Ikea furniture. Yeah, experts say it finally answers the question, ‘What if the President was a 28-year-old divorced guy.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Earlier today, this is kind of weird, an illustrator from ‘The Washington Post’ made a sketch of what Barack Obama might look like after the stress of an eight-year presidency. Unfortunately for Obama, he’s gonna look a lot like Grady from ‘Sanford and Son.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Osama bin Laden has released a new tape where he displays a shortness of breath, and experts say it raises questions about his health. See, that’s how you know this war has been going on too long, okay. When our enemies start dying of natural causes.” -Jay Leno
