Bush
“Did you all see President Bush’s farewell address last night? President Bush said he always did what he thought was right. Far right, but right.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush last night made his farewell address to the nation. For 15 minutes, America turned its gaze from the guy who landed the plane in the river to the guy who landed the country in the ditch.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In fact, last night, President Bush’s speech forced the preemption of the NBC comedy series ‘Kath and Kim.'” Presidential historians are calling this Bush’s finest achievement ever, actually.” -Jay Leno
“And, of course, of course, now the real pressure is on. President Bush only has three days left to respond to Hurricane Katrina.” -Jay Leno
“White House decorators are busy right now peeling the glow in the dark stars off the ceiling in the presidential bedroom.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And President Bush said he’s gonna live in Dallas when he leaves the White House. And, of course, the community in Dallas is welcoming him. You know, as a president who had a disappointing and horrible year, he’ll be named an honorary member of the Dallas Cowboys. So, that’s good news.” -Jay Leno
Obama
“We’re four days away from Barack Obama’s inauguration as the 44th president of the United States, and five days away from the biggest hangover of Oprah’s life.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Security is going to be very tight in Washington, DC. They have 20,000 men deployed for this thing. 10,000 to ensure that Obama is safe, and 10,000 to make sure Bush leaves. And with so many of our nation’s police on the scene in Washington, it might be a good time to commit a crime in your neck of the woods, you know what I’m saying? Or maybe not.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Barack Obama is still trying to get a dog for the kids. You know about that? He promised the little girls they’d get a dog when they moved into the White House. And he’s looking for a dog that’s loyal, friendly, and also one that can fetch cigarettes.” -David Letterman
“And they’re talking about a dog called a labradoodle. That’s not a dog. That’s George W. Bush playing Scrabble. Come on!” -David Letterman
“Barack Obama plans to issue an executive order on his first full day in office, directing the closing of Guantanamo Bay. He said he needs the money for new prisons to hold Democratic mayors and governors.” -Jay Leno
“Listen to what Barack Obama did today. He worked on the stimulus plan, had a classified intelligence briefing and met with Congressional leaders. Meanwhile, John McCain backed over his mailbox.” -David Letterman
Cheney
“By the way, finally some financial good news, good news. The federal deficit will ease up now, because Dick Cheney has to pay for his own health care.” -David Letterman
“Big interview with Dick Cheney over the weekend. Dick Cheney said that he’s … actually lovable. Dick Cheney. Actually loveable. I’m thinking about this. It really does melt your heart when he flashes that winning sneer.” -David Letterman
