“Well, folks, tomorrow night, President Bush will give his farewell address to the nation. Or, as the White House is calling it, a very special episode of ‘Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush is busy saying good-bye to everybody. Last night he was on Larry King, and I think tomorrow he’s making a farewell lasagna with Rachel Ray. Bush is getting nostalgic. He says he’s not sure how he will feel on January 21st, but I think I kind of know how the rest of us will feel.” -David Letterman
“Last night, Larry King interviewed President Bush, and Bush told him, ‘My favorite color is blue and I love enchiladas.’ Unfortunately, Bush was answering the question, ‘What was your greatest achievement as President?'” -Conan O’Brien
“The President was on ‘Larry King’ last night for one last hard-hitting interview before he packs up and tries to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the President if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who’s about to collect a huge inheritance.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“I like that the President doesn’t know where his money is. If he doesn’t know where ours is, he shouldn’t know where his is either, right?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“President Bush has declared an advanced state of emergency in DC from Saturday until Wednesday to allow for extra security for the inauguration. Apparently, the President obtained information from a very reliable source that on Tuesday an unidentified black man is plotting to break into and actually live in the White House for at least four years.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“By the way, it seems fitting to me that President Bush would leave Washington, DC, in a state of emergency on the day he leaves office.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“One week, and Barack Obama will be the new President of the United States. I’m telling you, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.” -David Letterman
“Barack Obama says one of the first things he’ll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay, to which President Bush said, ‘Hey, well that’s nothing. I’ve closed down factories, car dealerships.” -Jay Leno
“Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush has been giving Barack Obama a lot of advice. They’ve had a few meetings and he’s giving Obama advice. Yeah. President Bush has told Barack Obama that his biggest challenge will be an enemy attack. Specifically, Bush told Obama to keep your eye on Hillary.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama also says he wants to bring a sense of accountability to Washington. I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t you bring some accountants to Washington, okay? Tell us where the hell our $750 billion went!” -Jay Leno
“Speaking of that, the new Treasury secretary nominee, Timothy Geithner, has come up with a plan to lower taxes. Don’t pay them!” -Jay Leno
“In a last-minute complication to what looked like an otherwise smooth path to confirmation, Timothy Geithner, President-elect Obama’s nominee for the secretary of Treasury admitted that from 2001 to 2004 he failed to pay $34,000 in Federal tax. Fortunately for him, this is not his field of expertise. You know, he’s just nominee for Secretary of the Treasury!” -Jay Leno
“A Democratic spokesman called the issue today ‘an honest mistake.’ How come, in Washington, the only time anyone is honest is when they make a mistake?
Well, you ever notice this? Whenever politicians don’t pay their taxes, ‘Oh, it’s an honest mistake.’ Huh? You know what they call it when you and I don’t pay our taxes? ‘Exhibit A for the prosecution.'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush, appearing on Fox News Sunday morning, confirmed that he is planning on writing a book. Bush admitted he’ll use a ghost writer. Well, sure, if it’s about his Presidency, it’s going to be a horror story. He’ll need a ghost writer.” -Jay Leno
“And yesterday morning, on the ‘Today Show,’ they did a big story about Barack Obama’s mother-in-law moving into the White House. Basically, they believe she’ll be a big help to the family. Not as big a help as it would have been to have Bill Clinton’s mother-in-law living in the White House.” -Jay Leno
“And health experts are now concerned that the bad economy may be causing Americans to gain weight. They call it ‘recession pounds.’ Really? Recession pounds? Have these people been to a shopping mall in the last ten years? Either that theory is dead wrong or we’ve been in a recession since 1985, okay?” -Jay Leno
“And the adult film industry, better known as the porn industry, has asked Congress for a $5 billion bailout. They say they’re going to use the money to make more fuel efficient porn.” -Jay Leno
“Five billion. You know, between the porn industry and Congress, I don’t know who’s screwed more people.” -Jay Leno
“Neiman Marcus announced they are cutting 400 jobs. See, I knew this would happen when the Republicans took away Sarah Palin’s campaign credit card.” -Jay Leno
“Yesterday, Tony Blair was given the Medal of Freedom by President Bush, but there was an awkward moment. When President Bush found out that Cherie Blair was a barrister, he said, ‘Oh, you make coffee at Starbucks.'” -Jay Leno
“Osama bin Laden will not go away. There is a brand new bin Laden tape, and they’ve authenticated it. They know it’s a recent tape because bin Laden describes Salma Hayak as ‘smokin’ hot’ on the Golden Globes.” -David Letterman
