“One week left of President Bush. It’s hard to believe we’ve had eight seasons, but we have had, and the president has been busy saying his good-byes. … I’m really going to miss him. Can’t we find a position for him? Something where we still get to hear the stupid stuff, but he actually doesn’t make any decisions? I mean, I’m all for change, but I have a show to do here every night.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“President Bush has asked all the major networks for 15 minutes of air time on Thursday to give his farewell speech to the nation. Well, the White House says he’s going to use part of the time to list his accomplishments. No word yet what he’s going to do with the other 14 minutes.” -Jay Leno
“I think everybody has warm feelings for George Bush now. He held his final press conference yesterday. And he admitted — it takes a big man to do this — he admitted that a couple of things didn’t go according to plan. A couple of things went haywire. Yeah, his first term and his second term. Those two things.” -David Letterman
“But President Bush did take credit for a couple of things. He said, you know, Dick Cheney hasn’t shot anybody in a couple of years. So that’s always good, right?” -David Letterman
“Actually, listen to this. NBC said if the speech does really well in ratings, they’re going to offer President Bush his own show every night at 9 o’clock.” -Jay Leno
“Today was President Bush’s last Cabinet meeting. At one point, Bush got emotional and said, ‘I never got to find out what HUD means.'” -Conan O’Brien
“By the way, one week from tomorrow, here’s what’s going to happen. George W. Bush will be walking around on the ranch in Crawford, Texas, and he’ll be saying: ‘Listen to this, boys. You ought to see it. The office, it’s an oval. Like a circle but it’s an oval. I’m not kidding. No corners. It’s like an oval. Honest to God. I was there for eight years.” -David Letterman
“People, I think, are excited because Barack Obama’s inauguration is one week away. Some people are worried, though, because 3 million people are expected for the inauguration, but there will only be 5,000 port-a-potties. That’s true. Officials say they would have paid a lot more attention to bladder issues if John McCain had been elected.” -Conan O’Brien
“During Hillary’s confirmation hearing today, Louisiana Senator David Vitter – remember the guy that got caught with the hookers? Well, he’s Mr. Ethics now. He was very concerned about who’s contributing to Bill Clinton’s campaign, you know the library deal. But he had to leave when an aide told him it was time for his ‘3 o’clock with Bambi and Thumper.'” -Jay Leno
“The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese. You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.” -Jay Leno
“The New York Times reporting on a radical new treatment for intensive care patients: Get them up and out of bed as soon as possible. Is that new? Haven’t H.M.O.’s been doing that for years?” -Jay Leno
