“All five living presidents met for a historic lunch at the White House this week. Administration officials said that the idea for the gathering came from Barack Obama and not, as originally thought, from Agatha Christie.” -Seth Meyers
“Earlier this week at the White House — historic. Barack Obama met with all three living ex-presidents and one current brain-dead president.” -Jay Leno
“Did you see the picture of all the ex-presidents? Very impressive standing there. And they all had lunch together. And Barack Obama, you know this guy is nothing if not eloquent. Barack said that the men he met with, these presidents all understood both the pressures and the possibilities of the office of the presidency. But of all of them, Bill Clinton was the only one who really understood the possibilities.” -Jay Leno
“Afterwards, there was a fight over who would pay the lunch bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave it up to future generations.” -Seth Meyers
“The current national debt is estimated at over $10 trillion, which breaks down to about 35,000 dollars for every man, woman and child in the country. If you lay that much money end to end in $1 bills, most of it would be stolen by Bernie Madoff.” -Seth Meyers
“Despite warnings from the Secret Service over security concerns, President-elect Barack Obama said this week that he is unwilling to give up his BlackBerry, sort of the same way Bush wouldn’t give up his Leap Frog.” -Seth Meyers
“Hey, did you all see Barack Obama’s speech about the economy yesterday? Very sobering. He told Washington, ‘We’ve arrived at this point due to an era of profound irresponsibility.’ Of course, there’s only one way out of it. Spend more money we don’t have.” -Jay Leno
“On Tuesday, Barack Obama warned that the country could face trillion dollar deficits for years to come, in an address many said was reminiscent of Martin Luther King’s famous ‘I Had a Bad Dream’ speech.” -Seth Meyers
“Here’s good news, President-elect Barack Obama and his family have actually now moved into Washington, DC, this week. Their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.” -David Letterman
“You know Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is moving into the White House with them? Well, if that doesn’t get him to solve the economic crisis, nothing will. ‘We’ll get your own place, Ma. Don’t worry!'” -Jay Leno
“Cheney was busy packing earlier today. He bubble wrapped his water board.” -David Letterman
“But Cheney was kind of fun about it. He said that, you know, he only has a couple of days left as the vice president, but he’s planning to squeeze in one final heart attack.” -David Letterman
“Well, here’s something good for the environment. President Bush recently declared three Pacific Ocean regions as national monuments. Again, you see, I don’t think President Bush understands the impact of some of these things. When officials told him this would create the largest marine reserve in the world, he said, ‘Great, let’s get some of them to Iraq and Afghanistan. Let’s see if we can send them over there.'” -Jay Leno
“Hey, here’s great news. Remember Sarah Palin, John McCain’s running mate, governor of Alaska? Well, she has a new grandson. New baby grandson, that’s right. And the new baby boy’s name is Tripp. Apparently ‘Oops’ was taken.” -David Letterman
“Last week, Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, gave birth to a boy named Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston. Apparently, they’re hoping he will grow up to be a law firm.” -Seth Meyers
“But the governor was very excited. She brought the grandson over to her house and held it up to the window so the Russians could get a look at it.” -David Letterman
“It was quite an event. The baby was delivered by Joe the obstetrician.” -David Letterman
Blagojevich
“The chief of staff for embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke to Illinois state workers on issues of ethics in the workplace. How ironic was that? Was Bernard Madoff not available?” -Jay Leno
“Lawmakers in Illinois voted 114-1 to impeach the governor. So apparently, Blagojevich was only able to bribe one person. There’s just not enough money there anymore!” -Jay Leno
“On Friday, the Illinois House voted 114-1 to impeach Governor Blagojevich on charges that he tried to sell the Senate seat. The sole dissenting vote was cast by first-term representative Smodge Magojevich.” -Seth Meyers
“The governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, was impeached today by the state legislature while he was out for a jog. That’s why I don’t jog, you never know what could happen.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And Blagojevich held a press conference. Did you see his press conference? I love this. He quoted the British poet Tennyson. He quoted Tennyson, which was weird, because usually he quotes the movie ‘Jerry Maguire.’ ‘Show me the money!'” -Jay Leno
“And, you know, I don’t think he gets it. When he found out he was impeached, Blagojevich said he has a replacement governor already picked out. He’s got somebody ready to move in.” -Jay Leno
