“There was a historic meeting in Washington this week. Yesterday, Barack Obama and all the presidents met at the Oval Office. Did you see it? All the living ex-presidents were there. Jimmy Carter, George Bush Sr., Bill Clinton, Dick Cheney. All of them were there.” -Jay Leno
“And, of course, you know, being president-elect is kind of awkward, because Barack Obama didn’t have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common.” -Jay Leno
“First Lady Laura Bush is writing a book about her years in the White House. And when she asked President Bush if he would write the foreword, he said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I’ll write five, six, or seven words.'” -Jay Leno
“It was an exciting day for our first lady, who got a new set of plates. First Lady Laura Bush showed off the new, gold-rimmed official state china that cost $493,000. But don’t worry, it was paid for by a private trust, funded by lunatics who would donate half a million dollars to buy the White House plates. Mrs. Bush said she’d been hoping to use the china herself, but she ordered it two years ago and it just came, which is what happens when you order your table service from FEMA. But it’s probably for the best. You can’t trust President Bush with a $3,000 plate.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“The Bushes, by the way, aren’t the only presidents to have their own china. Truman, Reagan and Clinton all had it, too. Though the Clinton service is missing some plates and I think a soup bowl because of Hillary throwing them at Bill. One time she really nailed him with a gravy boat. So that’s missing too. But I’ll tell you something, nothing, to me, says recession like spending half a million dollars on dinnerware.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Marvel Comics just announced that President-elect Obama is going to be featured in an upcoming edition of ‘Spider-Man.’ When he heard about it, President Bush said, ‘Okay, now I’m jealous. He gets to meet Spidey.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Do you have your tickets for the inauguration down in Washington? I sent in early. I sent the money in. I got my tickets back, lousy seats. You know where they put me? I’m right between Governors Spitzer and Blagojevich.” -David Letterman
“On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama will be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Yeah, the parade route is five miles long, so GM says Obama should only have to stop for gas twice.” -Conan O’Brien
“You know for each inauguration, the President adds his own little touches, his own signature note to the proceedings. For example, maybe you don’t remember this but for the first Clinton inauguration, ladies drank free.” -David Letterman
“Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new responsibility as Vice President. And he’s starting every afternoon at 3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school.” -David Letterman
“It looks like Barack Obama wants the surgeon general to be Sanjay Gupta, the TV doctor. Are you familiar with Sanjay? I went to see him a couple of years ago because I had an inflamed gupta.” -David Letterman
“But Sanjay Gupta says if he becomes the surgeon general the first thing he wants to do is warn people about one thing — the Regis Philbin show in high def. He said it could cause nausea and headaches.” -David Letterman
Activists are now pressuring President-elect Obama to make good on his pledge to end the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy in the military to allow gays to openly serve in the military. You know, I think it’s about time. Don’t you? Let me tell you something, if someone is willing to risk their life for our country, they should be able to watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’ openly.” -Jay Leno
“This is kind of cool. In Washington, the National Gallery announced that it will display a campaign poster of Barack Obama. Yeah. In a related story, a campaign poster of Joe Biden will be displayed at the Hair Club for Men.” -Conan O’Brien
“I tell ya, the economy is bad. The economy is so bad, Iraqis can only afford to throw one shoe.” -Jay Leno
“Couple of days ago in New Jersey, there were UFO sightings. Believe me, it’s not an invasion. The aliens are actually here because they want some of that Federal bailout money.” -David Letterman
“And how about this for nerve? This is unbelievable. The porn industry is now asking for a $5 billion federal bailout. The porn industry. Talk about a stimulus package.” -Jay Leno
“In a speech about the economy, Barack Obama said that Americans will soon be able to go online and see where the bailout money is being spent. In response, Americans said, ‘Thanks, but we’ll stick to downloading porn.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Now, during his speech, it’s interesting, Barack Obama said, ‘It will soon be too late to change course if we don’t take dramatic action as soon as possible.’ It’s a quote, yeah. And Obama said the same thing about NBC’s prime-time lineup.” -Conan O’Brien
“And the World Health Organization announced this week a new outbreak of the bird flu. Quite serious. The bird flu is the most threatening bird-related disease, I guess, since the invention of the Chicken McNuggets.” -Jay Leno
“ABC has a new reality show about how our government protects our borders, waterways, and airports. Have you seen this? It’s called ‘Homeland Security USA,’ or, as they call it in Afghanistan, ‘the Terrorist Learning Channel.'” -Jay Leno
“Well, that’s the name of the show: ‘Homeland Security USA.’ I think that’s better than the original title, which was ‘Hey, Not So Fast, Ahmed.'” -Jay Leno
