“On this date in 2001 … George W. Bush was certified as the winner of the 2000 presidential election. How about that? That turned out pretty well, didn’t it?” -David Letterman
“And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10.” -Jay Leno
“By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is ‘I’m with Stupid.'” -David Letterman
“Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I’m surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face — he is a rap star.” -Jay Leno
“The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It’s a three ton, it’s a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it’s a compact.” -David Letterman
“But here’s good news for Obama. The new tank-like limousine is shoe proof, so that’s good news.” -David Letterman
“Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as ‘very sick.’ That’s what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they’ve heard a president say in eight years.” -Conan O’Brien
“And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush.” -Jay Leno
“Well, today on Capitol Hill, Roland Burris, who is Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that his name? Blagojevich, Blagojevich. He’s the guy appointed to fill Barack Obama’s seat. He was turned away and denied his seat in the Senate. Yeah, it’s the worst thing that happened to a guy named Burris not involving a gun and a pair of sweatpants.” -Jay Leno
“Well, let’s see what’s going on. Unemployment is up again, especially if you’re the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work.” -Jay Leno
“I’m honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I’m still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And the sad thing is, this Burris guy is kind of caught in the middle of this whole thing. Because legal analysts say in appointing the senator, Blagojevich may have actually acted legally. He may have acted legally. God, there’s a first time for everything, huh?” -Jay Leno
“I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn’t meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I’ll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly.” -Jay Leno
“Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones.” -Conan O’Brien
