“I tell you, the economy’s rough. People are standing behind President Bush just to get the free shoes.” -Jay Leno
“And the big financial story, Bernard Madoff, the man they call the most hated man in New York, as you know, has been arrested after confessing to running this Ponzi scheme that defrauded investors out of $50 billion. That’s almost hard to believe. But the good news, today he was named A.I.G.’s man of the year.” -Jay Leno
“It was so cold in Chicago, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was trying to sell Senate seat warmers.” -Jay Leno
“And it snowed in Malibu. That is unbelievable, isn’t it? Yeah. Five inches of snow in Malibu, where people aren’t used to snow. They were trying to snort it. They didn’t understand. The roads were closed in Malibu. In fact, there was so much snow, a lot of celebrities couldn’t get to the global warming conference.” -Jay Leno
“This week President Bush hosted the annual White House Hanukkah party. Yeah, there was an awkward moment when Bush made a wish and blew out all eight candles.” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush is hosting a lunch next month with President-elect Obama and all the former presidents. Isn’t that cool? Yeah. Bush said, ‘I invited all 43 guys, but only four responded.’ He doesn’t know what happened.” -Conan O’Brien
“Now here’s something historical. In January, all five living presidents are scheduled to have lunch together. Clinton suggested the VIP room at Hooters.” -David Letterman
“Gay leaders are furious at Barack Obama because he picked an anti-gay minister to deliver a prayer during the inauguration ceremony. Yeah. Gay leaders are also furious at Obama because the tie he’s planning to wear is all wrong.” -Conan O’Brien
Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it’s President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it’s Ed Begley Jr.” -Conan O’Brien
“According to a new survey that just came out, the most admired profession is doctor. Doctor is the most admired profession. Yeah. The least admired profession? Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s barber.” -Conan O’Brien
“The nice thing about the holidays is the holiday spirit. Let me give you an example of how the holiday spirit affects people. You know that guy that threw the shoes at President Bush? Well, today, he was throwing fruit cakes.” -David Letterman
