Political Irony

Homophobes Just Jealous of “Fabulous” Gay Weddings

It is obvious that many people who oppose same sex marriage are simply afraid they won’t be invited to any of the fabulous weddings that will transpire. Just admit it; everyone knows that once same sex marriage becomes legal, no one will be want to be bothered with attending heterosexual weddings ever again, and can you blame them?

Just think of it, no more simpleton bland boxes to check on Wall Mart-designed invitations for choices of only chicken or fish eaten at a hotel or church, with only wine or champagne, man and wife, or only Rabbi or Priest, while drunkenly dancing the Macarena to George Michael and Wham.

Writer Fran Lebowitz once said, “If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with “Let’s Make a Deal.”

With a new mainstream civil-minded culture of gay weddings, there will be an untold fortitude of taste and class including fashionable hip attire, even for bridesmaids, grooms-maid’s, brides-men, brides-brides and grooms-groom’s. I apologize if I left anyone out. Have your people call my people.

There will also be a moratorium of no more ugly pyramids of people stuffed into tight clothing with bouffant hairdos posing for pictures, except for the rare drag queen who will finally be allowed to attend the ball for the first time in his/her life.

Instead there will be glamorous black and white photos harkening back to 1930’s film stills, Fred Astaire stylish top hats and tails and brides who may look a tad traditionally different, but with hairstyles no one will suffer from PTSD a decade from now.

There will also be a sudden recession and consequent depression when wedding planners, caterers, wedding dress designers and florists will suddenly become unavailable as they will be planning long awaited weddings for their friends, leaving the “straight” couples to fend for themselves.

But that’s okay folks, because we know from reading best sellers like the Bible and from pamphlets from the Mormons who come to our doors on Saturday mid-mornings that same-sex marriage is a sin anyway; therefore; if one were to think un-hypocritically and intelligently, losing out on sinful wedding assistants won’t be a sin in anyone’s great book after all.

On the ugliness of people who fear gay rights and blatant homophobia, John Stewart aptly observed, “Why can’t they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16’s going, “Who’d you call a faggot?”

The f- word is ugly, and the gay haters are even uglier and probably jealous too that they don’t have great taste, make less money overall than the non-straight’s, and simply not as creative or stylish.

Just think of the floral centerpieces alone that will come into vogue. No more blah angels-breath baby bouquets with three roses in only three colors and a monogrammed ribbon to fight over.

No more hideous matching brightly-colored polyester-stuffed bridesmaid dresses blinding our eyeballs just to make the bride look thinner in comparison because she is wearing white.

No more aging D.J.’s to get all of the aunts and grandparents from Miami and New York and The Los Angeles Valley to dance to the Village People’s YMCA, because the Village people will finally be allowed to get married, and in high style at that.

Let’s face it, once gay weddings become mainstream; the dinner courses and the decorations alone will be more than any straight person could dream of. Just stop the lying already. I can’t take it, someone bring me my smelling salts, or at least some happy juice, as the old ladies used to call Merlot in my old neighborhood.

I know those who say they are against same sex marriage claim religious and moral high grounds but why not instead look at the issue from a different self-righteous point of view that may serve their own selfish needs even better in the long run?

Hey . . . I just had a genius, light-bulb momentous evangelical-like awesome idea! Hail Jesus! And Mary too! And Pat Robertson while I’m at it!

If you begin to turn your anger, hatred and ignorance into become a more understanding, inclusive, and less bigoted person beginning right now; perhaps some members of the homosexual community may still have it in their big hearts, talent and wallets to forgive you, and help in your children’s and grandchildren’s weddings after all.

You know it’s just a matter of time until “those people” will be able to legally wed anyway at some point this decade under Obama’s influence, so why not get on their good side now so that you can have some tasteful wedding-album-ready wedding receptions, and also be invited to some of the best parties known to man, and thrown by men.

This reminds me of a classic Woody Allen quote about human sexuality when he said, “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Not such a bad thought after all, Woody. And don’t forget about the parties. God knows, we can all use more of those.

Submitted by Francesca Biller-Safran. Also published in Huffington Post.