Obama
“Barack Obama picked another Cabinet member, former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack, to be his agricultural secretary. Vilsack! Doesn’t that sound like a condition you should see your urologist about? ‘Excuse me doc, has the nurse left the room? It’s my vilsack. Seems inflamed.'” -Jay Leno
“Everybody looks forward to ‘Time’ magazine naming their ‘person of the year.’ And today, they named Barack Obama person of the year. That’s right. Finally, things are starting to go his way.” -David Letterman
More Sarah Palin
“Sarah Palin also honored today. She was named ‘person of the year’ by LensCrafters. And in about an hour, they’ll name somebody else.” -David Letterman
“We’re talking about Sarah Palin, who has a brand new Christmas album. It’s entitled ‘I Can See Bethlehem From My House.'” -David Letterman
Outgoing
“The other night, President Bush hosted his final White House Hanukkah party. Now, even though it’s a week early, he wanted to light the Menorah. Now, if you aren’t Jewish and not familiar, Hanukkah celebrates the miracle of when only a tiny amount of oil burned for eight days. It sounds like Exxon-Mobil’s worst nightmare, doesn’t it? A fuel efficient device that uses just a drop of oil.” -Jay Leno
“Anthropologists have found — and this is crazy — a well-preserved brain. They believe it’s from the Middle Ages. Here’s the surprise. They found it in the head of Dick Cheney.” -David Letterman
“But Dick Cheney said that we made the right decision to go to war in Iraq. And I said to myself, ‘Well, that’s good enough for me, by God.'” -David Letterman
“This week, Dick Cheney was interviewed by ABC News, and he said that he will miss being vice president. Then he said, ‘And I’ll really miss being president.’ That was the best part.” -Conan O’Brien
“In a recent interview, President Bush said that he has a collection of over 250 autographed baseballs. Yeah. Unfortunately, the question the interviewer asked was, Do you have an exit strategy for Iraq? He just wanted to talk about the baseballs.” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush announced before he leaves office, he wants to visit the poorest regions of the world. You know, any place where people can’t afford to buy shoes.” -Jay Leno
More Shoes
“George Bush is over there in Baghdad saying goodbye to the troops, and this Iraqi journalist heaves a couple shoes at the President. And we thought, hopefully that’s just a one-of-a-kind episode. Unfortunately, however, the news coming out of the Middle East is that Iran is developing a long-range loafer.” -David Letterman
“People are still discussing the shoe-throwing incident at our president. … It was reported today that the Iraqi journalist who threw the shoes at President Bush had his arm broken when security subdued him. And even worse, it was his shoe-throwing arm. That guy is out for the season.” -Conan O’Brien
“That Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush the other day said he planned his attack for months. Planned it for months? That’s what he said! I mean, take off one shoe. You throw it. You throw the other shoe. He planned it for months. And he still missed both times!” -Jay Leno
“The guy is being called a hero in the Arab world. So, he has this plan and it’s a failure. And he’s a hero. You know, if that’s the standard, Bush would be the biggest hero in the Arab world.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush made a surprise visit to Detroit today. Honestly, people in Detroit are upset with him, but I understand auto workers threw brake shoes at him.” -Jay Leno
More Blagojevich
“The Illinois Supreme Court refused to hear a motion to throw Governor Blagojevich out of office. Afterwards, Blagojevich thanked the Supreme Court and said, ‘Your check is in the mail!'” -Conan O’Brien
