Blagojevich
“How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich?” -Jay Leno
“But did you hear about this guy? Blagojevich is charged with corruption and apparently he was stealing a lot of money, getting a lot of bribes and kickbacks and hiding them in his hair.” -David Letterman
“President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, ‘I’ll do that if the price is right.'” -Conan O’Brien
“But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, ‘Would you like to be a senator. Well, what’s it worth to you?’ Well, I just hope to God this doesn’t tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics.” -David Letterman
“Speaking of Governor Blagojevich. Today — coincidence — today is his birthday. So for the second day in a row, Federal agents jumped out and yelled, ‘Surprise!'” -Conan O’Brien
“It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can’t go wrong with a good lawyer.” -Craig Ferguson
“Now, perhaps the toughest thing for Governor Blagojevich is that today, December 10, is his birthday. … First, indicted Senator Ted Stevens loses the Alaska election recount on his birthday. And now this. In fact, Hallmark has come up with a new category of cards birthdays/federal indictments. I’ve got one right here. ‘Hey, you’re not over the hill, you’re in federal custody!’ Big sellers.” -Stephen Colbert
“Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that how you say his name? Is it Bla-son-of-a-bitch? I think I’m saying that right. He was arrested for conspiring to sell the Senate seat vacated by Barack Obama. … Let me tell you something. You know, you don’t buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That’s how you get to be a United States Senator.” -Jay Leno
“Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn’t that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder.” -Conan O’Brien
“We’re not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%.” -David Letterman
“One guy, he was going to charge 150,000 dollars for the Senate seat, 200,000 dollars for the cup holder.” -David Letterman
“Senator Palin, on hearing of Governor Blagojevich’s recent alleged bribe-seeking troubles, has offered herself up on the political platter to govern Illinois as a sign of friendship, emphasizing that she ‘only needs to find out also where it is.'” – Maggie Van Ostrand
The Economy
“A plan to bail out the Big Three automakers stalled in Congress today. Yeah. As a result, Congress plans to buy a better-built Japanese bailout plan.” -Conan O’Brien
“And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, ‘Car czar? Isn’t he the president of Afghanistan?'” -Jay Leno
“Anyway, Congress wants to appoint someone to oversee the auto industry because they lack confidence that the car companies can solve the problem themselves. You know, the same way the Senate Budget Committee kept us within a budget, remember? And the way the banking committee kept the banks from failing. And the way the Senate Energy Committee made us energy independent. We need these kinds of oversights.” -Jay Leno
“Don’t you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt.” -Jay Leno
Joe the Plumber
“Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn Beck last night that he felt ‘dirty’ after discussing the issues with him. I don’t know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work in other people’s toilets.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“He said some of the stuff coming out of McCain’s mouth was so appalling he almost got off the bus, and the only reason he didn’t is because he knew if he walked off the bus, he would be forced to return to his normal life as a simple, tax-evading fame whore.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“But Joe actually did have praise for McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin. He called her the real deal. That’s great, I’m glad they got along. And they’re perfect for each other, in a way. In fact, they’re actually starring in a new movie together. I don’t know if you’ve heard, it’s called ‘Dumb and Plumber.'” -Jimmy Kimmel
The Transition
“Big news from Washington today. Even though it may make some people uncomfortable, President-elect Obama says he’ll use his full name, Barack Hussein Obama, when he’s sworn in next month. To show support, Joe Biden is also using his full name, Joseph Adolph Fidel Puppykiller Biden.” -Craig Ferguson
“Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he’s in the Oval Office. He’s kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn’t smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it’s a very rare occasion.” -Jay Leno
“And President Bush talked about his religious believes on ABC’s ‘Nightline’ the other night. When the host asked Bush if he was a literalist when it came to the bible, Bush said, no, no, he’s actually a Methodist.” -Jay Leno
“This week, the White House sent out a memo listing President Bush’s successes and accomplishments. Actually, it’s not so much a memo as it is a Post-it note.” -Conan O’Brien
Proposition Eight
“And today, in Hollywood, some same-sex marriage supporters urged people to call in gay and not go to work to show how much our country relies on the gay and lesbian people in the workforce. Interesting idea, but it kind of backfired here in Hollywood. When they called in, there was nobody there to answer the phone.” -Jay Leno
“So, how does that work? When you call in gay to take the day off, do you have to prove it? Do you have to have a note from another gay guy? Does the note have to be signed and notarized by another gay person to make sure?” -Jay Leno
“But today, Senator Larry Craig called in not gay. Actually, he tapped the message in code with his foot.” -Jay Leno
