“What a difference a couple of weeks makes. Remember last month, the three auto company heads flew to Washington in private jets looking for their bailout? Remember they own the private jets? Well, this time, the three CEOs drove in their own hybrid cars; 520 miles they drove in their own hybrid cars. See, you know what I think the government should have done here? Make it like ‘The Amazing Race,’ you see? You drop these guys off, no money, no transportation, give them some tools, they have to build a car. First one to Washington, they get the bailout.” -Jay Leno
“In fact, do you know what the highest-paying line of work is in America right now? Jury duty.” -Jay Leno
“Hey, did you see that picture on the front page of USA Today yesterday of Arnold Schwarzenegger shaking hands with Barack Obama? Didn’t it look like one of those ads for one of those bad buddy action movies from the ’80s, you know? ‘He’s a strongman from Austria. He’s an African-American from Chicago. They fight crime; they’re ebony and ivory.'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!” -Jay Leno
“How does that work when the president applies for a home loan? Like, when they do a credit check, do they include the trillion-dollar deficit?” -Jay Leno
“It looks like Barack Obama has been giving jobs to all the Democrats who ran against him for president. You’ve got Joe Biden, he got vice president. Hillary Clinton, secretary of state, Bill Richardson, he ran against him, he got commerce secretary. And today, he even hired Dennis Kucinich to play the elf at next year’s White House Christmas party.” -Jay Leno
“And, according to the New York Times, former president Bill Clinton says he is open to the possibility of a role in the Barack Obama administration. Well, actually, what he said was, he was looking for a desk job. I don’t know what that means.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama announced Wednesday that New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is his choice for secretary of commerce, which should be an easy job, now that there isn’t any.” -Seth Meyers
“The head of Regal Entertainment says as the recession gets worse, more people are coming to the movies. Because nothing helps you forget your troubles like a $5 Sprite” -Seth Meyers
“The runoff in the Georgia Senate race was won this week by Saxby Chambliss, who is the incumbent Republican senator and not, as I believed, an obscure font.” -Amy Poehler
“Some bad economic news today. They estimate more than a half a million Americans lost their jobs last month. Unemployment is now at 6.7 percent, that is the highest since 1993. In layman’s terms, that means almost one in ten Americans know what it’s like to be K-Fed.” -Jimmy Kimmel
