“The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. But that’s kind of sad, don’t you think? I mean think how close Hillary Clinton came to being the first female president of the United States. Her next job offer, oh, a secretary.” -Jay Leno
“How about this, they’re talking about Hillary Clinton maybe secretary of state. She takes that job, it means she will be spending a lot of time away from home. So today she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers, and then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.” -David Letterman
“Henry Kissinger’s in the news. Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of great courage on his part. Yeah, then Kissinger said, ‘Seriously, Barack, protect your nuts. She’s crazy.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Actually, I think Hillary Clinton would be a great secretary of state. You know, she can cackle in seven different languages.” -Jay Leno
“Now this is a tough process because when, you know, you are going to be appointed to a Cabinet-level position, there is a whole process. It is a vetting process. And a questionnaire, and there was some trouble, because they filled out the questionnaire, running the check on Hillary. Listen this. Turns out, she was married to a guy who was once impeached.” -David Letterman
“Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Pretty impressive. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.” -Jay Leno
“At a big photo op today, earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent, John McCain. The two got together. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being a stupid jerk face. He’s still mad.” -Conan O’Brien
“Everybody is kind of making up and getting back together. Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, Hey, I’m catching up with you. I just got a second home.” -David Letterman
“When Sarah Palin heard about McCain meeting with Obama, she accused McCain of palling around with terrorists.” -Jay Leno
“President-elect Barack Obama now, while he is the president, he can’t use … his Blackberry. Fortunately, the good news for John McCain, he can continue to use the Clapper. That’s not a problem.” -David Letterman
“Hey, Barack Obama had to give up his Blackberry. He’s the first wired president. … He might have to give his Blackberry because of security reasons. Because they’re easy to hack into. In fact, when Obama heard he might have to give it up, he said, ‘OMG! WTF?’ I mean, he couldn’t believe it.” -Jay Leno
“President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring.” -Stephen Colbert
“Everyone’s talking about the transition to the White House, and everyone’s talking about how he’s going to get a dog for his little girls. Well, Barack says he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters, because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Yeah, that’s true. Which is the exact same reason, apparently, he picked Joe Biden.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. See, Joe Biden was right. ‘Hostile forces will test him in the first few months.'” -Jay Leno
