“It was on this in day in 1789 that Benjamin Franklin said those famous words, ‘In this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. Death and taxes, which ironically, was the Secret Service code name for John McCain and Barack Obama.” -Jay Leno
“Cuba’s Raul Castro is going to visit Russia next year, to which President Bush said, man, how long is that raft trip going to take?” -Jay Leno
The Transition
“In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room.” -Conan O’Brien
“Joe Biden got together today with Dick Cheney and the girls, the ladies, the wives, they all had dinner. And the meal went great. I mean, they only had to shock Cheney back to life twice.” -David Letterman
“Well, there was a big meeting today between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney, or, as they’re calling it, plugged hair meets plugged arteries. That does seem cruel. See, I prefer to call them foot-in-mouth meets shot in face.” -Jay Leno
“And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, ‘Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?’ And Cheney said: ‘Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.'” -David Letterman
“This is nice. Barack Obama’s daughters he been invited to appear in an episode of the show, ‘Hannah Montana.’ Isn’t that nice? Yeah, President Bush is furious and insists that because he’s still president, he should be invited first.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama has chosen Rahm Emanuel to be his chief of staff. Obama is also bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of the transition team. So now, it looks like what Barack Obama is doing, he’s just bringing back all our favorites from the Clinton Administration, you know, except for that heavyset intern.” -David Letterman
The Republican Brand
“The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American to be their party’s chairman. Yeah. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job.” -Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson went on a luxury cruise this week to try and come up with a plan to revive the Republican party, and to get it more in touch with average Americans. I got an idea, how about no more luxury cruises. Why don’t you work out of the Embassy Suites?” -Jay Leno
The Economy
“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it is absolute emergency. But see, since it’s Nancy Pelosi, nobody can tell from her facial expressions if it’s an emergency.” -Jay Leno
“Earlier today, President Bush was in New York, and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other major problems facing the country. That’s right. The speech was called ‘So Long Suckers.'” -Conan O’Brien
“American Express is now looking to borrow three and a half billion dollars from the taxpayers. Three and a half billion dollars. You know what? I think we should lend them the money, but, do like they do with us: charge 18% interest, which will go to 34% if they miss a payment. I think that’s the way to do it” -Jay Leno
“American Express is in financial trouble. The company reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Yeah, unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diners Club.” -Conan O’Brien
We just can’t stop hearing about Sarah Palin
“How about that Sarah Palin? She could be appearing on ‘Desperate Housewives,’ and when John McCain heard about this, he went to his staff and he said, “I would kind of like to be on ‘Bonanza.'” -David Letterman
“Well, the National Enquirer now says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage of yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? Come on. Hey, these are the same people who, a year ago, said John Edwards was having an affair. See what I’m saying?” -Jay Leno
“But Sarah Palin is trying to be bipartisan. She said she actually wants to help Barack Obama. And I said, ‘Well, hasn’t she helped him enough already?'” -David Letterman
“Actually, Sarah Palin is being courted by a lot of big Hollywood talent agencies. The rumor is she could get her own talk show. She’d be a lot like Rush Limbaugh, but with smaller breasts.” -Jay Leno
