“Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about.” -David Letterman
“President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?'” -Jay Leno
“During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don’t really have to do it. They can’t do anything to you.” -Jay Leno
“I don’t think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he’s glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves, because he didn’t want to have to sell the White House in such a down market.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama says he’ll be living in the White House with his family, his two daughters and his wife, and his mother-in-law. Yeah, he may want to rethink closing Guantanamo, you know what I mean?” -David Letterman
“And according to CNN, Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Although, he may be able to get out of it under the domestic terrorist law.” -Jay Leno
“I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Hear about that? Took his wife out on a date. Yeah. And today Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat.” -Jay Leno
“Anybody see Sarah Palin on the ‘Today’ show a couple of days ago, cooking? And people say, ‘Well, can she cook?’ Of course she can cook. After all, she cooked McCain’s goose.” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin is all over the news lately. She told Matt Lauer on the ‘Today’ show that, yes, the rumors were true, on election night she did want to deliver her own concession speech and she was disappointed that she couldn’t. Well, she shouldn’t feel bad. Wait till 2012. Deliver it then.” -Jay Leno
“Hey, you been following this election in Minnesota? This is crazy. Only a few hundred votes separate the two candidates, and ballots are showing up in the trunks of people’s cars. Yeah, all kinds of odd places. Everybody is yelling fraud. Turns out, Minnesota is an old Indian word that means ‘Florida.'” -Jay Leno
“Now that Barack Obama has been elected president, producers in Hollywood say they think America is now ready for a black James Bond and a black Wonder Woman. Isn’t that cool? Yeah, hell, America may even be ready for a black Michael Jackson.” -Conan O’Brien
“I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say things are not going well for the Republicans. Two years ago they controlled both the White House and the Congress. Soon, they’ll be controlling both the Coke machine and the fry station” -Stephen Colbert
