“The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? … Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy.” -Jay Leno
“People are excited all over the world. In Kenya, true story, thousands of expectant mothers are planning to name their babies after Barack Obama. That’s true. Yeah. The Kenyans are really glad Obama won, because in Swahili, ‘John McCain’ means ‘your goat just ate my daughter.'” -Conan O’Brien
“I feel bad for John McCain. I guess that endorsement from Dick Cheney came a little too late.” -David Letterman
“And this is sad, you hate hearing about this, but staffers are saying that John McCain is depressed. And I think there is something true to the story, because I heard today that he had made an appointment with Joe the therapist.” -David Letterman
“Been a lot of stories from Germany about how America has come to terms with its past and is beginning to make up for it. Now look. I know our country is not perfect, but we do a pretty good job working out our problems. Do we need a lecture from Germany? When they elect a Jewish chancellor, give me a call. Okay?” -Jay Leno
“Americans have finally got beyond our racial past, and picked a black man to clean up our mess.” -Bill Maher
“The stock market had its worst week in a long time, and that’s saying something considering recent history. Not only that, the stores are reporting their worst earnings in the last eight years, unemployment is at a 14-year high, car companies apparently are headed toward extinction. Today in Times Square, the stock ticker just said, ‘What the f**k are you looking at?'” -Bill Maher
“And yet, with all these problems, somehow bigotry won out here, even in liberal California. We voted to outlaw gay marriage. … But I have to stand with the gays on this. Gay people, I think, have every right to insist that they will not be happy until they’re allowed to be miserable.” -Bill Maher
“We found out that the Mormons are the ones that financed this thing against Prop 8. They spent $20 million on Prop 8, because they say that marriage should be between a man and his multiple child brides.” –Bill Maher
“Did you see Obama’s news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It’s been years since they’ve heard a complete sentence.” -Bill Maher
“Obama held his first news conference today as president-elect. Some veteran White House reporters were actually a little bit confused, because he didn’t make up any words and almost everything he said made sense.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Today, at his first press conference as President-elect, Barack Obama said America will succeed if we can put aside partisanship and politics. Nice. Yeah, in other words, we’re totally screwed.” -Conan O’Brien
“This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!'” -Jay Leno
“Of course, everybody now is speculating what the future of the GOP will be. GOP now stands for, of course, ‘Ganging up on Palin.'” -Jay Leno
“The rumor is the GOP is blaming Sarah Palin for losing the election. But to be fair, Sarah Palin didn’t pick Sarah Palin. Isn’t that right?” -Jay Leno
“A reporter from Fox News who interviewed Sarah Palin said that Sarah Palin didn’t know that Africa was a continent. To which President Bush said, ‘I didn’t know either. I thought it was a vowel.'” -Jay Leno
“It was revealed that Dick Cheney, whom we haven’t seen much this week, spent Election Day in South Dakota, shooting peasants, I mean, pheasants.” -Jay Leno
“And in other election news, Massachusetts voted to decriminalize marijuana, it won by 65% of the vote, which is amazing. Well, that is huge. It’s really big when you consider, most marijuana supporters don’t even show up at the polls until next Tuesday.” -Jay Leno
“And up in San Francisco, the proposition to decriminalize prostitution was defeated. It was defeated. Well, there are many who believe that prostitution should be legalized, because then it could be controlled and taxed. It could be taxed. You know who’s against this? Hookers making over $250,000 a year.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, according to the papers today, the economy is hurting prostitutes. They say the prostitutes working the brothels in Nevada are having a hard time making enough money to pay their mortgages. Yeah, business is way down. Which is kind of sad. I mean, you hate to see these women just out walking the streets, you know?” -Jay Leno
“And according to a federal report, unemployment claims went up by 300,000. And that’s just Republicans in Washington.” -Jay Leno
