“Actually, there is a good chance that we could go to bed tomorrow night and not know who’s running the country. Just like it’s been for the last eight years.” -Jay Leno
“Who are the real winners in this election? Don’t ask me. Ask Joe the Plumber’s agent.” -Stephen Colbert
“Today Barack Obama campaigned in Florida and Virginia. And McCain campaigned in two states: panic and desperation.” -David Letterman
“Did you get any of those annoying robo calls? You know, those phone call recorded messages from the candidates. I got them all weekend. I even got one from Ralph Nader’s campaign. Turns out it wasn’t recorded. It was Ralph calling personally from a pay phone.” -Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin is going to celebrate the end of the campaign. She charged one last $1500 blouse to the campaign. So, got that out of the way.” -David Letterman
“This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: `Now behold, the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!'” -Conan O’Brien
“I don’t want to say that the Obamas are overly confident, but they’ve already agreed to let Oprah use their house in Chicago as a place to keep her dogs.” –Jimmy Kimmel
“According to recent news reports, Bill Clinton has now become an adviser to Barack Obama. Bill Clinton is giving advice to Barack Obama. Do you know who is really upset about this? Michelle Obama.” -Jay Leno
“This is my first election, not sure what supposed do on Election Eve. Are there traditions? So you hang your ‘chads’ over the fireplace? Leave stuff out for your favorite candidate? Maybe a sandwich for Obama. That is a thin man …. McCain, leave him some food, nice warm mug of creamed corn … Tasty. And you don’t need to chew.” -Craig Ferguson
Much thanks to Daniel Kurtzman at about.com.
