Political Irony

The Campaign

“Just one week left to go in this election. It’s amazing, isn’t it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?” -Jay Leno

“After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn’t stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another.” -Jay Leno

“As you know by now, Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president, which is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems.” -Jay Leno

“Political pundits say Colin Powell is the biggest political figure to endorse Barack Obama since Bill and Hillary. And the only one of those three that will actually vote for him.” -Jay Leno

“And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses.” -Jay Leno

“Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller.” -Conan O’Brien

“Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama’s lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘quit.’ He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.” -Stephen Colbert

“John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That’s what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities.” -Jay Leno

Sarah Palin

“Alaska’s largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it’s one of the 500 newspapers she doesn’t read.” -Conan O’Brien

“With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? … The costume costs $150,000.” -Jay Leno

“It was disclosed that the Republican party spent $150,000 on clothes and makeup for Sarah Palin to try and make her look better. Why? She looks fine, doesn’t she? We’re better off spending that money trying to make McCain look a little bit better. She looks great. Leave her alone. Do something for him.” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes, but she has an even higher tab at LensCrafters.” -David Letterman

“Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts.” -David Letterman

“But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname.” -David Letterman

“Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of ‘The View,’ she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She’s a big supporter. Elizabeth’s speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri.” -Jay Leno

Ted Stevens

“The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska’s Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here’s the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed.” -Jay Leno

“Guilty on all charges. Stevens is 84 years old. He could get three weeks or life, whichever comes first.” –Jay Leno

Iran

“Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is apparently ill, rumored to be ill. And he’s in the hospital today. And his condition has been downgraded from serious to ugly.” -David Letterman

“But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush.” -David Letterman