Colin Powell
“Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems.” -Craig Ferguson
“The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black.” -Stephen Colbert
The Campaign
“We’re all a little chafed here about this whole ‘some parts of the country are real and American’ and other parts are not. … So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real a**hole now. ‘What? I bombed the wrong America? That’s it. I’m going into hiding. I’m too embarrassed!'” -Jon Stewart
“Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America.” -Craig Ferguson
“Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick.” -Craig Ferguson
“Nation, we are only two weeks away from the biggest election in the history of the universe. But there is still a huge threat out there. Not al Qaeda, a more sinister organization: ACORN. This shadowy group of community organizers is up to something: voter fraud. And not just any voter fraud. … We all know the fabric of democracy is very fragile, because it is made out of the Founding Fathers’ pantyhose.” -Stephen Colbert
Obama in Hawaii
“Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain.” -Jimmy Kimmel
