Political Irony

The Debate

“How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn’t it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key.” –David Letterman

“John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back.” -Stephen Colbert

“If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker.” -Jay Leno

“Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the ’60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he’s also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull.” -David Letterman

“Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He’s been on ‘Good Morning America,’ he’s on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain.” -Jay Leno

“Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney.” -David Letterman

“A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they’ve seen enough and they don’t want any more presidential debates. That’s what they’re saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television.” -Conan O’Brien

“Everybody in New York City has Joe the Plumber fever? Can you feel it? I mean, even the Statue of Liberty was holding a plunger.” -David Letterman

“Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don’t pay them.” –Jay Leno

“And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I’m not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he’s not a licensed plumber. That’s true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the ‘the’ is accurate. That part’s true.” -Conan O’Brien

“Well, there was a rumor going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he’s human.” -Jay Leno

“Of course, everyone’s talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn’t shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions.” -Conan O’Brien

“The first debate was podiums. … Then they had the town hall format. Last night it was desks Now the next debate — competitive eating.” -David Letterman

“I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there.” -Jay Leno

“I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson.” -David Letterman

Politics as Usual

“A married congressman from Florida, Tim Mahoney, is under investigation for paying $125,000 to his mistress to keep her quiet. Well, that worked out well. Well, listen, yesterday it was reported he was having a second affair at the same time. What kind of sleazeball cheats on his mistress?” -Jay Leno

“And in a statement with his wife standing next to him — and the wives always stand; only in politics do the wives stand next to you when you do this kind of stuff — Mahoney said this is a private matter. The most important thing to him now is his wife. Well, that’s got to make her feel special. Of all the women he’s sleeping with, you’re number one” -Jay Leno

“Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as ‘Madden NFL ’09’ and ‘Burnout.’ Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines.” -Seth Meyers

“With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted ‘We Are The Champions’ and shouted ‘I’m King of the World.'” -Amy Poehler

Letterman v. McCain

“Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I’ll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin.” -David Letterman

“And by the way, I’m your host for the program. I’m Dave the Plumber.” -David Letterman

“We were going to have Joe the Plumber on the program. We had him booked on the show. But at the last minute he canceled on us to do an interview with Katie Couric.” –David Letterman

“I guess I don’t need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won’t show.” -David Letterman