Political Irony

“I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush. Now this will be the president’s lasting legacy! It will cover up all the things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don’t see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans’ ninth word still don’t have houses. But soon neither will anyone.” -Stephen Colbert

“Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it’s a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.” -David Letterman

“The financial crisis has actually helped Barack Obama’s poll numbers. McCain’s plan to suspend his campaign and settle this has backfired on him. Think about it, no one should benefit more from this than the McCain/Palin campaign. Sarah Palin could actually wind up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she’s the only one who knows how to live off the land. You know? A moose in every pot, et cetera.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“Right now the only winner in this economic mess is vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who has all her money in pelts.” -David Letterman

“One day after the worst day in the history of the stock market, the Dow surged almost 500 points, with one of the largest single day gains ever. But don’t get too comfortable. The Dow is a little bit like Britney Spears, in a way. Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we’ll be right back where we started.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“With the Congress not in session, the stock market made a big comeback today. See, that’s the key to saving the economy. Send these idiots home so they can’t screw up anymore. Exactly. We need more holidays. That’s the problem. More holidays, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, get them all in there.” -Jay Leno

“Members of Congress have been squabbling over a new bailout package they’re trying to get passed. It’s a tough situation. Everyone agrees it’s something that needs to be done, but nobody wants to be the one that wants to step up and actually do it. Like when grandpa’s diaper needs changing.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“And, of course, Congress, both parties continue to point fingers at each other, as opposed to the rest of the country, which is just giving the finger to Congress.” -Jay Leno

“As you know, Congress voted against the bailout. See, the problem with members of Congress, they were told to vote their conscience. And of course, this totally confused them. Conscience?” -Jay Leno

“I guess you heard the news that the House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? Oh, I didn’t see that coming. Wow!” -David Letterman

“Of course, the big bailout plan that was supposed to save everything failed yesterday. Political experts say if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. Yeah. For instance, Congress is going to have to remove the section of the plan that says, ‘Sweet Jesus, please let this work.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Right after the vote, President Bush met behind closed doors with his economic team. Yeah, that was my thought too. Bush has an economic team?” -Jay Leno

“Lawmakers that are for the bailout argued that the government could actually end up making money on this deal. Oh, yeah. The same way the government made money on Amtrak and the post office.” -Jay Leno

“Now yesterday, John McCain said that Federal aid to Wall Street shouldn’t be called a ‘bailout,’ but instead should be called a ‘rescue.’ Yeah. McCain also said he’s not old, he’s ‘geezerific.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Republicans are blaming Nancy Pelosi for the bailout not going through. Democrats are blaming it on an incomplete proposal by the Republicans. John McCain is blaming Barack Obama. Barack Obama is blaming John McCain. And Sarah Palin is praying nobody asks her what’s going on.” -Jay Leno

“Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new ‘just say no’ program. McCain told Sarah Palin, ‘If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'” -Jay Leno

“We have the big vice presidential debate coming up on Thursday, and Sarah Palin is busy preparing. Right now, for example, she is practicing her caribou-caught-in-the-lights look.” -David Letterman

“Actually, Sarah Palin is currently rehearsing for the debate, but insiders tell me it’s not going that well because she keeps saying, ‘I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat.'” -David Letterman

“Happy Rosh Hashanah! It’s Jewish New Year. Down in Washington DC, a confused George Bush today pardoned a bagel.” -David Letterman

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman. Be sure to take his Sarah Palin Quiz.