Political Irony

“John McCain wants to postpone Friday night’s presidential debate. And he has temporarily suspended his campaign. Yeah, so, apparently, this news about Clay Aiken being gay has affected him more than anybody thought.” -Jay Leno

“Today, John McCain made a big announcement. He said he wants to postpone Friday’s presidential debate, but not because of the economic crisis. It turns out TV Land is airing a ‘Golden Girls’ marathon.” -Conan O’Brien

“No, no, he said he’d like to postpone the presidential debate until he’s, you know, ahead in the polls.” -Jay Leno

“In fact, right after he announced that, Sarah Palin said, ‘That’s okay, I don’t really need him anyway.'” -Jay Leno

“Senator John McCain has announced — this is a big deal — he’s putting his campaign for president on hold to focus on the economy. And he wants to postpone his first debate with Barack Obama on Friday. Which seems a little bit like the old ‘my grandmother died’ excuse the night before a final exam.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“I say if McCain can’t make it to the debates, send a substitute. Send Chuck Norris in. I’d watch that.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“No, actually, the real reason he says he’s postponing the debate is to concentrate on the economic crisis. In fact, President Bush spoke to the nation earlier tonight, addressing the financial crisis. He spoke live from the White House panic room.” -Jay Leno

“In fact, his speech was a special episode of ‘The Biggest Loser.’ Yeah, it was good.” -Jay Leno

“Earlier tonight, President Bush gave a speech about the Wall Street financial crisis. The title of Bush’s speech was ‘Two More Months and It Ain’t My Problem.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Do you even understand this Bush economic plan? Do you understand how it works? See, here’s how it works. When you screw up, you pay. When they screw up, you pay! Yeah, actually very simple.” -Jay Leno

“Some financial analysts are saying we’re bailing out institutions with money we don’t have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, ‘Could you take my name off the bill?” -Jay Leno

And yesterday, Senator Chris Dodd said that the bailout plan would put the Constitution at risk, to which Bush said, ‘Oh, please, we haven’t used that old thing in years.'” -Jay Leno

“And yesterday, the Iranian president, Mahmoud I’m-a-nut-job … was at the U.N. And he blamed the United States for the collapse of the global markets. The Iranian president blamed the United States for the collapse of global markets. Well, that just goes to show you, in a crisis, you really find out who your friends are, huh? Yeah, I guess we can write that guy off.” -Jay Leno

“And all this week, the McCain campaign is trying to prevent Sarah Palin from talking to reporters covering the news, you know? They said, ‘you can take her picture, but you can’t ask her any questions.’ What is she running for, vice president or ‘America’s Next Top Model’?” -Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. While she was here, her family took the ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty. When she saw the ferry, Palin said: ‘Can’t we build a bridge to that thing? It would be easier to get there.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Sarah Palin was in New York City this week. She met with some world leaders yesterday and went to the Central Park Zoo, yeah. Took her five hours to get through the zoo, ’cause she had to keep stopping to reload.” -Jay Leno

“John McCain has been trying to look younger on the campaign trail by using a makeup artist named Tiffany who works on ‘American Idol.’ True story, yeah. Tiffany says, ‘Making John McCain look younger is easy, but what is really hard is making Paula Abdul look sober.'” -Conan O’Brien