“This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain’s attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you’ve gone too far, that’s like Mel Gibson saying you’ve had too much to drink.” -Craig Ferguson
“Republican strategist Karl Rove recently gave an interview, and he said John McCain’s attack ads go too far and aren’t truthful. Then Rove said, ‘I’ve never been so proud. That kid’s good.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Both presidential candidates reacted to the market turmoil today. Barack Obama laid out a detailed five-part plan, but John McCain’s plan is much simpler. He’s just going to have his wife fix it.” -Craig Ferguson
“Did you see the Sarah Palin interview on ABC? This state trooper from Alaska says that Palin lied in the interview. She lied on national television. I’d say someone’s ready for the White House!” -Craig Ferguson
“I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, ‘America’s Next Top Vice President.’ … Oh, what an exciting show that is!” -Jay Leno
“As you know, the Republicans are still keeping her away from the mainstream press. In fact, the only reporter she’s taking questions from is Field & Stream. That’s the only magazine she felt more comfortable with. Actually, Sarah Palin is going from an interview with Gibson on ABC to one with Sean Hannity on Fox. Woo! That should be hard-hitting! … But Sarah Palin says she is ready for Sean Hannity. In fact, she spent all day today writing out the questions he’s going to ask her.” -Jay Leno
“Well, if you saw the big interview with Gibson, Sarah Palin quoted Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln said, ‘Let us not pray that God is on our side in any war, or at any other time, but let us pray that we are on God’s side.’ And here’s the amazing part. You know who Abraham Lincoln said that to? John McCain.” -Jay Leno
“And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They’ve been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn’t.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s the latest word from Wall Street: ‘Ahhhh!’ Man, I guess you heard by now, Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy. … I don’t think President Bush understands this crisis either. Like today, when he heard about Lehman Brothers going bankrupt, he said, ‘Where am I going to get discount suits now?'” -Jay Leno
“Experts say we’re going through what’s known as a lock, stock and barrel financial phase. You know what that is, and how that works? People are locked out of their homes, their stocks are worthless, and the oil companies have us over a barrel. That’s how it works.” -Jay Leno
“They interviewed Sarah Palin’s father, and Sarah Palin’s father says that they shoot 90% of the meat their family eats. Yeah, the other 10% they hit with their pickup truck.” -Conan O’Brien
“This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, ‘Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'” -Conan O’Brien
“Why do I love [Sarah Palin]? She’s a reformer. Like when the government wanted to give her this $223 million bridge to nowhere [on screen: Palin saying ‘thanks, but no thanks’ to the bridge]. She’s so polite. Now I know that her detractors will say that she actually supported the bridge until it became a political albatross, and ended up keeping a lot of the money for it anyway, or that she claimed to have visited Iraq when she didn’t. Or she didn’t really sell that plane on eBay, or that she left the town she was mayor of nearly $20 million in debt, or that she made sure that women that were raped in her town were charged for their rape kits. Yeah! That’s f**king true. The point is this: shut up. Because you don’t speed-date in order to get to know somebody. You speed-date to make sure you’re not talking to a dude.” -Jon Stewart
