“We love Joe Biden. But he put his foot in his mouth the other day, again. When out on the campaign trail, he told a crowd of people that, ‘Hillary Clinton might have been a better pick for vice president.’ To which Hillary said, ‘It’s not too late!'” -Jay Leno
“No, he told the crowd that Hillary is as qualified or more qualified than he is. Plus, she still has her original hair.” -Jay Leno
“Well, here’s a great scandal. Federal investigators say that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with the oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said, ‘drill everywhere,’ I had no idea.” -Jay Leno
“And yesterday, Senator Larry Craig, you all remember Larry Craig, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast. Well, he, somehow, he got a Minnesota court to hear an appeal of his case involving soliciting gay sex in an airport men’s room. Unfortunately, the court recessed for a ten-minute bathroom break, and he got arrested again.” -Jay Leno
“No, Larry Craig’s lawyer yesterday told a three-judge panel in Minnesota that the foot tapping in a men’s room must be protected under the first amendment right to free speech. Boy, the Republicans using the Constitution? When was the last time you saw that happen?” -Jay Leno
“No, that’s what the lawyer said. The lawyer said, ‘foot tapping in the men’s room was a form of protected expression, like dancing.’ Like dancing? Shut up! This guy is lord of the toilet dance now, apparently.” -Jay Leno
“Sarah Palin has left the campaign trail. Whew, take a break. What’s it been, a week? Whew, don’t kill yourself. She went back to Alaska for a while. So you know that what that means? People can go back to ignoring John McCain again.” -Jay Leno
“The New York Times had a big article on problems that elderly people face. And they say, one of the worst things that can happen to an old person [is] breaking a hip. Breaking a hip, yeah. Second worst thing that can happen? Losing Ohio.” -Jay Leno
“No, I guess earlier today, up there in Alaska, she shot two campaign commercials, a moose and a caribou.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s big news. Tonight and tomorrow night, Charles Gibson over there at ABC is going to interview Sarah Palin. And I believe it will be her first big time interview. And Charles Gibson, the first question he asks her, he says are you ready to be president? And Sarah Palin said ‘Oh, for sure!'” -David Letterman
“During the interview Sarah Palin actually gave birth to her sixth child. So she can do it all. She’s ready to go.” -David Letterman
“Sarah Palin’s been spending the last couple of days being briefed by advisers on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. That’s true. Yeah. Apparently, the first thing they taught her was CPR.” -Conan O’Brien
“This is true. In Alaska, a political activist is trying to get Sarah Palin to release over 1,000 e-mails that she’s withholding from public records. She won’t release them. Yeah. Apparently, several of the e-mails went unanswered and have the subject line ‘Mom, I need to talk to you about birth control.'” -Conan O’Brien
“And how about Matt Damon? … Yeah, Matt Damon says he believes that Sarah Palin would be a disaster in the White House. That’s what Matt Damon says. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I think I’ll wait to hear what Ben Affleck has to say.” -David Letterman
