“One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“John McCain had his big acceptance speech. And, you know, I didn’t – I didn’t watch that because I’ll tell you why: if I want to see an old guy, if I want to see an old guy struggle with a teleprompter, you know, hell, I’ll watch Regis.” -David Letterman
“They say Palin’s speech was written by George Bush’s speechwriter, which was great for that guy because he finally got a chance to use some big words.” -Jay Leno
“Palin made some interesting points last night. She said when she was Governor of Alaska she got rid of the state’s luxury jet and put it on eBay. … Ironically, do you know who bought it? John and Cindy McCain.” -Jay Leno
“Palin said last night that John McCain had seen evil, but I didn’t even know Dick Cheney was at the convention.” -Jay Leno
“Have you heard about this ‘Troopergate’ scandal? Palin allegedly … used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I’m wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of ‘Dukes of Hazzard?'” –Jay Leno
“But, I mean, how about this, and she, you know, at one times was mayor of a very small town, a very small town in Alaska. Anybody here ever been to Alaska? Name of the town was Wasilla. Anybody ever been to Wasilla, Alaska? Anyway, Wasilla, Alaska – very small town. The town is so small, they had no professional hookers – no, no, just volunteers.” –David Letterman
“While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama’s campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. … Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why.” -Conan O’Brien
“She said at her church, Governor Palin, said she asked everyone to pray for a natural gas pipeline, which she said was God’s will. And today, God said, “Hey lady, I don’t deal with oil companies. That’s more Satan’s area.'” -Jay Leno
“Today, the Mayor of Detroit agreed to plead guilty to obstruction of justice charges. … Yeah, as punishment, he will be required to serve out his full term as Mayor of Detroit.” -Conan O’Brien
