“As you all by now, John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential running mate. From what I understand, President Bush very upset with the choice. He said, ‘Alaska? Why couldn’t he have picked someone from America?'” -Jay Leno
“And we’re learning more and more about Governor Palin. Apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.” -Jay Leno
“The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, ‘Who is John McCain?’ Tomorrow night’s theme is, ‘Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?'” -Conan O’Brien
“By the way, here’s good news, ladies and gentlemen: the Palin family crisis that we were talking about on Sunday and Monday, that has been solved now, and, today, the baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie.” -David Letterman
“It’s now come out that Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. McCain claims he knew that when he picked her, but, I don’t know, this whole thing, it just seems too much like the ‘Maury Povich Show’ to have been planned. At this point, I’m not sure I trust McCain to pick a fantasy-football team, to be honest with you.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“It was an unplanned pregnancy, but the Palins say their daughter will marry the young man. He’s a fellow high school student of hers. His name is Levi Johnston. They even found his MySpace page, which they pulled down immediately, but before they did we found out that he’s a ‘f***ing redneck,’ is what he said, and another quote from him, ‘I don’t want kids.’ Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they’ve got their their own Jamie Lynn.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“And how are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She’s got a four-month-old of her own, she’s about to become a grandmother, and she’s partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Earlier tonight, President Bush appeared at the Republican Convention live via satellite. Or as Bush calls it, ‘live via magic.’ This year there are only 36 black delegates at the Republican Convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota.” -Conan O’Brien
“Did you see Sarah Palin standing next to McCain at the podium the other day when he introduced her? Didn’t it look like one of those commercials where the daughter is trying to find a nice home to put Dad in? ‘We’d like someplace quiet.'” -Jay Leno
“It turns out Governor Palin is a lifelong member of the NRA and a life-time hunter. Another vice president who’s a hunter. What could go wrong there?” -Jay Leno
“Most of the gossip this week is centered around Sarah Palin, McCain’s controversial choice for vice president. Some question whether a mother of five who’s only been running the state of Alaska for two years is the right person to fill out a ticket fronted by a 175-year-old man, and it’s especially strange considering the emphasis that Senator McCain has put on national-security experience. Three years ago, Sarah Palin was the mayor of a town with 9,000 people in it. Nevermind national security, they barely have mall security in a town of that size.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Here’s the amazing part: back in 1984, Sarah Palin actually came second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace. They’ve talked about it for years; here’s one that could do it!” -Jay Leno
“Nation, I am sick and tired of people saying Sarah Palin is inexperienced. It is sexism, pure and simple. Her enemies wouldn’t be saying this if she was a man like Frank Matheny. Oh, you don’t know Frank? He’s the mayor of Boot Hill, Montana; population: 7,500. In about 20 months, he’s going to make a great vice president. Now, critics say John McCain should have gone with someone who fills in his gaps, like Mitt Romney. But Sarah Palin does more than fill McCain’s gaps, she completes him.” -Stephen Colbert
“The Beach Boys kicked off the Republican Convention last night in Minnesota. Only the Republicans would have someone sing about big waves and surfing during a hurricane. What, were ‘Katrina and the Waves’ not available over the weekend?” -Jay Leno
“There was talk about canceling the Republican Convention because of Hurricane Gustav. Actually, John McCain was not at the convention, at least not there yet. You know what he was doing? He was helping out during the hurricane. To give you an idea of what a compassionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses. I thought that was good.” -Jay Leno
“Well it’s now being reported that in exchange for Hillary’s support, if he is elected, Barack Obama will make Hillary Clinton a Supreme Court judge. Has he thought this through? You know the Clintons: if she gets on the Supreme Court, she could demand a recount and declare herself the winner. It’s happened before.” -Jay Leno
