“Last night, Barack Obama was officially nominated Democratic candidate for President of the United States. And I want to tell you something. I really think things are starting to look bad for Hillary.” -David Letterman
“Former President Bill Clinton spoke at the convention last night. And it was sort of sad when in the middle of Clinton’s speech, John McCain wandered out on stage in his bathrobe.” -David Letterman
“Oh! This is exciting. John McCain now has finally decided on his vice president. Yeah. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement.” -David Letterman
“And then tonight, Barack Obama speaks to the convention, and they moved it to the stadium there in Denver. They’re getting, like, 75,000 people. And I’m telling you, the construction crew has been working around the clock, painting the stadium, scrubbing the stadium, plastering. It’s the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.” -David Letterman
“Political experts say that John McCain is going to try to steal attention away from the Democrats tonight by leaking the name of his running mate. Experts say there’s a pretty good chance that McCain will leak something else too.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama says he’s planning to get his daughters a dog if he’s elected president. Most voters asked think he should get a poodle, proving that Americans are not only ready for a black president, they’re also ready for a gay first dog.” -Conan O’Brien
“Tomorrow — this is a little fun fact for you — both John McCain and Michael Jackson will celebrate their birthday. Yeah, so it will be the birthday of an old white guy and John McCain.” -Conan O’Brien
“Did you see that Mount Olympus-style backdrop they had for Barack’s speech, with the big columns on it? Little over the top, do you think, huh? Like, when they introduced him as ‘Barack, son of Zeus,’ that seemed over the top.” -Jay Leno
“At one point this week, police in Denver had a showdown with over 300 protesters, ended up pepper spraying them. And since, of course, it was Denver and they were Democrats, it was only fresh ground-pepper spray.” -Jay Leno
“Well, according to The New York Post, delegates at the Democratic convention received information packets with three separate warnings not to drink too much, because they say alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes. I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again.” -Jay Leno
“And John McCain has apparently chosen his vice president. He was going to announce who it was, but then he forgot. Well, there was a rumor that McCain might pick former eBay C.E.O. Meg Whitman as his running mate. That makes sense. You know, she’s an expert at selling Americans really old stuff.” -Jay Leno
“And archaeologists are now saying that based on the latest findings, Neanderthals are a lot smarter than they previously gave them credit for. Today, President Bush asked these same researchers to analyze his Presidency.” -Jay Leno
