“Well the great thing about the Olympics, of course, is you have people who are otherwise enemies putting aside their differences and pretending to get along for a couple of days. I’m sorry, that’s the Democratic convention.” -Jay Leno
“And as you know, Barack Obama has chosen Delaware Senator Joseph Biden as his running mate. Well, Biden has 35 years of experience in Washington. So between the two of them, that’s almost 36 years of experience.” -Jay Leno
“And Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in her speech, praised Joe Biden, calling him the ‘full package,’ that’s what she called him, that’s the actual term she used, she called him the ‘full package.’ Now he’s getting phone calls from Senator Larry Craig.” -Jay Leno
“Michelle Obama said she’s been in love with Barack ever since he took her on their first date and bought her ice cream. Isn’t that sweet? Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain’s wife Cindy says she’s been in love with McCain ever since he hit her over the head with a club and dragged her back to his cave.” -Conan O’Brien
“This is a weird story. At the Democratic Convention, Trojan Condoms has set up a pavilion where they’re handing out thousands of free condoms. Yeah, apparently they’re doing this in case John Edwards shows up.” -Conan O’Brien
“Hillary gave a rousing speech, it was so passionate, emotional, I’m telling you, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost moved.” -David Letterman
“And Barack Obama will give his big speech tomorrow night at Invesco Field, a football stadium, which is appropriate, considering how many times Democrats have fumbled in the past few years.” -Jay Leno
“During the Democratic convention, this is true, delegates are being warned this year not to drink too much. They’re being told not to drink too much, yeah. Yeah when asked why, Democratic officials said the last time we got drunk at a convention, we ended up nominating Walter Mondale.” -Conan O’Brien
“Well, as you know, the Democratic Convention is being held this week at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Don’t confuse that with John McCain’s convention next week, that’s at the Polygrip Center, that’s totally different.” -Jay Leno
“Nation, today is the 88th anniversary of the 19th Amendment, which gave women the right to vote. So, big surprise, tonight the Democrats chose to have Senator Hillary Clinton to give a speech. Now I love women, in fact, some of my best parents are women. But marking this anniversary is the most blatant pandering to female voters since the creation of female voters. You know, however long ago that happened. It is not the only anniversary the Democrats are exploiting this week. Thursday night, Barack Obama will honor the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s ‘I Have A Dream’ speech, and all Democrats will honor the 25th anniversary of John McCain’s 1983 vote against Martin Luther King Day.” -Stephen Colbert
“Folks, I just think this is typical of the Democrats: catering to black and female voters while ignoring the anniversaries that are significant to everyday Americans. For instance, tomorrow, August 27th, happens to be the anniversary of the Visigoths’ sack of Rome in 410 A.D., where Olerick the 1st gave his inspirational ‘I Have A Dream Of Putting Your Head On A Spike’ speech. And, Thursday, August 28th, is the 101st anniversary of UPS. What’d the Democrats do? Nothing. You just lost the ‘Brown States,’ Pelosi. And today, August 26th, is the 29th wedding anniversary of Sam and Lori Doven of Miami, Florida. That’s a swing state. If you’re not going to honor them, at least call them a little more often, they miss you. Plus, tomorrow is the one-day anniversary of Hillary Clinton’s landmark speech tonight. She’s not even being asked to speak. That’s a core constituency whose needs the Democrats will not have addressed in almost 24 hours” -Stephen Colbert
“Coming to work today, I see this guy selling maps to the stars’ homes, right next to him, a guy selling maps to John McCain’s homes. That’s a big thing now.” -Jay Leno
“Here’s a little political fact. Dick Cheney is the first Vice President in eighty years not to run for president. Actually, Cheney did consider four more years, but his doctor only gave him two-and-a-half.” -Jay Leno
“And Florida finally starting to dry out from Tropical Storm Fay. President Bush declared some counties disaster areas so they could get federal assistance. Once again, see, I think Bush means well, I don’t think he really understands. Like today, he said it was important to help them down there cause he considers Florida one of our most important allies. For when we fight the Georgians, we’re gonna need the Floridians.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama’s freshly-minted running mate, Sen. Joe Biden, also spoke tonight, and I have to say, after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why Obama would pick a vice president with the last name ‘Biden’ is beyond me. Not that there’s anything wrong with the name of Biden, but Obama-Biden, it’s like they’re trying to make their ticket sound as much like Osama Bin Laden as possible. They found the two guys in America whose names match up most closely with the person we hate more than anyone in the world, and they put them on the bumper stickers, very good thinking.” -Jimmy Kimmel
