“As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, ‘The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'” -Jay Leno
“President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, ‘General Tso, I love your chicken.'” -David Letterman
“Human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it’s pretty much a wash.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee.” -Jay Leno
“More than 60 heads of state will be at the opening ceremonies, so security is extremely tight in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been required to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. It’s sort of like here in the United States, only for them, it’ll end in a couple of weeks.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he’s been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders” -Jimmy Kimmel
“I thought this was nice, at one point during the (Olympic) ceremony tonight they had 56 children march in, all belonging to John Edwards.” -Jay Leno
“While after vigorously denying reports of his extramarital affair, and calling the story ridiculous, untrue and tabloid trash, John Edwards today admitted he had an affair. And the National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it, the National Enquirer was the first to break it, turns out it was true. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real! Aliens are here! It’s all true!” -Jay Leno
“Well, Democrats are furious, they’re going on record now saying John Edwards will not be allowed to speak at the convention because of this affair. Yeah, instead speaking in his place: Bill Clinton. You have to put your foot down.” -Jay Leno
“In fact, when John McCain heard about the John Edwards affair, he said ‘Well, thank God I can’t get an erection anymore, whew.’ Some problems just take care of themselves.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama heading to Hawaii for a vacation with his family. And President Bush commented on that today. He said: ‘First Europe, now Hawaii. Maybe he should spend some time campaigning in America.'” -Jay Leno
“Earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by that by saying Paris Hilton supports McCain’s approach to America’s energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I’m not voting till I hear what Britney has to say.” -Jay Leno
“And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn’t that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain ” -Jay Leno
“Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that’s what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were.” -Jay Leno
“And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden’s driver found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, ‘From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check.'” -Jay Leno
