“I don’t know if you noticed this. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic.” -Jay Leno
“It’s being reported that Barack Obama may name Indiana Senator Evan Bayh as his vice-presidential running mate tomorrow. Tomorrow, that’s what. Here’s what we know about Evan Bayh. He was going to run for president, then he dropped out after getting less than 2% of the vote. Less that 2%! He was actually losing to low-fat milk.” -Jay Leno
“And Barack Obama now says he is open to offshore oil drilling. So, apparently, when he promised change, he was talking about his mind. I guess that’s what that was.” -Jay Leno
“Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected.” -Jay Leno
“The tide has finally turned. The polls in the presidential race are tied, in that Barack Obama is winning by slightly less. People are finally seeing this guy for what he is — a slick hope salesman getting by on platitudes, like his timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq and his 15-point health care plan. It’s all so vague.” -Stephen Colbert
“Obama is pro-inflation. What an elitist. … Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama ‘energy plan’ tire gauges. You see? It’s a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it’s an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That’s not just me talking. The government’s own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, AAA and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU.” -Stephen Colbert
“Well, John McCain’s daughter is now writing a children’s book based on her father’s life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain’s early life story is only available through folklore. So there’s not much written down.” -Jay Leno
“John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he’s too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, ‘I hope the senator reconsiders.’ Then he turned into a bat and flew away.” -Conan O’Brien
“Hey, you see John McCain was at the country’s biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter.” -Jay Leno
“John McCain was at the big annual motorcycle rally in Sturgis, up there in North Dakota, South Dakota. Is there a difference? Can’t we just wake it one big Dakota? And John suggested that his wife could compete in the topless beauty pageant at the motorcycle rally. Yeah! You know, what that reminds me of, is the time during the campaign that Bill Clinton suggested that Hillary should compete in a wet pantsuit contest” -David Letterman
“Ladies and gentlemen, here’s here’s some sad news from the world of broadcasting. You know Larry King? You know who Larry King is. He’s getting a divorce. Wife number seven. Yup, wife number seven. Been married seven times. And experts believe if he stays healthy, he could make it to 10. So go get ’em, Larry. Been married seven times, seven weddings, and he apparently now needs elbow surgery from all the cake cutting.” -David Letterman
“Larry King is getting divorced. Yep. And Larry apparently has had seven wives. Seven wives, he’s been married seven times. And I feel bad for Larry, but you know, a lot of people just can’t seem to make a go of divorce. Think about it. Seven weddings, my God, Larry is the cause of the rice shortage!” -David Letterman
