“Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.” -Jay Leno
“McCain campaign is running that commercial where they’re comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there’s one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it’s electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood — you know, except for those.” -Jay Leno
“McCain is not backing down. He’s defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being ‘all talk and little action.’ That’s what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he’s looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he’s wrong. Wouldn’t Hillary be the best candidate? She’s been telling him he’s been dead wrong since the beginning on this.” -Jay Leno
“In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he’s distantly related to the famous 19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, “Big deal, I went to high school with him.” -Conan O’Brien
“President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he’s leaving.” -Jay Leno
“Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on ‘Meet the Press’ that what he’s looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which President Bush said, ‘Trust me, that gets old really fast.'” -Jay Leno
“Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that’s when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!” -Jay Leno
“I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that’s right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding.” -David Letterman
