“Today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that’s good enough for me. Come on, let’s go to the park.” -David Letterman
“President Bush lifted the presidential ban on offshore drilling that was imposed by his father, the first President Bush, 18 years ago. But hey, remember Bush’s dad also said invading Iraq would be a huge disaster, and cutting taxes would ruin the economy, so what the hell did he know?” -Jay Leno
“In a brand new interview, John McCain admits that his staff has to show him websites because he has trouble getting on the Internet by himself. That’s what he said. Yeah, yesterday McCain tried to surf the Internet for half an hour before his staff told him he was actually holding an Etch-A-Sketch.” -Conan O’Brien
“John McCain in the news for the second time. For the second time in two days, John McCain has referred to current events in Czechoslovakia, a country that officially ceased to exist in 1993. Yeah. Afterwards, McCain said, ‘You know, the same thing happened the last time I went to Mesopotamia.” -Conan O’Brien
“Barack Obama’s two daughters are very excited, because I guess Barack Obama promised the kids that after the election he’s going to get them a dog. That’s the thing, they’re all excited, he’s going to get them a dog after the election. And the good news — Jesse Jackson has offered to neuter it, so I think that’s terrific.” -Jay Leno
“Remember Jesse Jackson speaking, when he thought the microphone was off, said he’d like to cut Barack Obama’s testicles off. And in a rare example of bipartisan support, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho offered to guard them for Obama. How about that?” -Jay Leno
“John McCain’s economic adviser, former Texas Senator Phil Gramm, was also coming under fire for calling America a ‘nation of whiners.’ That’s what he said, we are a nation of whiners. President Bush weighed on the issue today, again he doesn’t understand these things. Bush said today we are not whiners, the average American still prefers beer.” -Jay Leno
“You can read more about the Phil Gramm-influenced McCain plan to fix the economy in his new position paper ‘Walk It Off, America: My Ten-Point Plan For You Pussies to Learn To Suck it Up.’ Seriously! Phil Gramm’s comment is offensive in two ways. One, it’s insensitive, and two, how does an economic expert not understand, that most of our whining jobs have already gone to India.” -Jon Stewart
“Folks, Senator Barack Obama left his church in May, but questions still linger about his religion. According to a new Pew Research Poll, since March, the number of people who believe Obama is Muslim has increased by 2%, and strangely, the number who believe he’s Jewish has gone from none to 1%. Wow, you play Tevye in one Congressional production of ‘Fiddler on the Roof,’ and you’re typecast for life” -Stephen Colbert
“In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Yeah. That’s what he said. Obama said not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie. You have to do your part. That’s what he said. That’s a quote.” -Conan O’Brien
“Tonight is a night of celebration. This great land we live in has reached an exciting milestone in the war on terror. The terror watch list is hitting the big 1-0-0-0-0-0, oh! You know that expression ‘kick ass and take names?’ It turns out this country is really good at one of those. We take a lot of names. It really is an incredible accomplishment.” -Jon Stewart
“Let’s try and put it in perspective if we can. A million people on the terrorist watch list. If you were to take all the people that our government suspects of terrorism and stack them, one on top of the other, that would be considered an acceptable method of interrogation, according to the Justice Department.” -Jon Stewart
“With a million names on the list, how do you find out if you are on the list? If you are a terrorist? If you are being watched? It’s very simple. Go online and Google the ‘terrorist screening database’ and scroll down to the end. By the time you get to the end, you’ll probably be on it.” -Jon Stewart
