“Well, happy birthday to President Bush, he turned 62 on Sunday. 62 years old. … He is now twice his approval rating, that’s amazing.” -Jay Leno
“President Bush is now in Japan for the big G-8 summit, which is going on right now. The G-8 Summit is where the world’s top economies get together. The bad news — we are no longer one of them. I wouldn’t say the U.S. economy is doing bad, but you know how Bush got to Japan? Southwest.” -Jay Leno
“Well, the Democrats are now preparing for their convention in Denver, and they have hired the first ever director of greening. They say that this year that everything about their convention will be green, including nominating a candidate who’s only been a senator for a couple of years.” -Jay Leno
“Actually, you know what’s interesting, here’s some interesting political trivia for you. The last time that the Democrats had their convention in Denver was when they nominated William Jennings Bryant in 1908. And coincidentally, you know who the Republican nominee was that year? John McCain. It’s amazing.” -Jay Leno
“McCain, of course, also out there. In Denver, a 60 year-old woman was kicked out of a John McCain rally for heckling him. Yeah, afterwards McCain said ‘I’m just not popular with young women.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Hey, big scare today for Barack Obama. His airplane had to make an unscheduled landing because of mechanical problems. While the pilot was steering to the left the plane was apparently drifting to the right, nobody could really quite figure out what was happening ” -Jay Leno
“No I tell you though, shows you how scary these kind of things can be. Obama’s wife Michelle, pretty distraught when she first heard the news that his plane had problems, although not nearly as distraught as Hillary Clinton when she heard everything was okay. She was inconsolable!” -Jay Leno
“And Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it’s not true. In fact his exact words were ‘I did not have textual relations with that woman.'” -Jay Leno
“It seems a Republican party operative, a man named Grover Norquist, told the LA Times that Barack Obama was just John Kerry with a tan. That’s what he said, stupid thing, that’s what he said. Well using that logic, if Barack Obama is John Kerry with a tan, then John McCain is George Bush with an enlarged prostate.” -Jay Leno
“I thought this was nice, John McCain went to North Carolina last week to visit 89 year-old evangelical legend, the Reverend Billy Graham, and he was frail and confused and couldn’t visit for long. But Billy Graham looked great … very sharp.” -Jay Leno
“China has announced that they’re shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer — so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: ‘Sorry, but for the next few months, you’re going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else.” -Conan O’Brien
