“Yesterday, Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word ‘baruch,’ which means one who’s blessed. That’s what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there” –Conan O’Brien
“And when speaking in Montana, Barack Obama got a standing ovation when he said, ‘It is time to take back the country.’ The bad news: he was on an Indian reservation at the time.” –Jay Leno
“John McCain’s in the news. Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.” –Conan O’Brien
“Earlier this week, Vice President Dick Cheney gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy. He was given a 19-gun salute. And two Coast Guard members were slightly injured when Cheney returned fire.” –Jay Leno
“According to the financial forms, President Bush has actually lost money while he’s been in the White House. But he says he will get it all back and much more, once the Nigerian businessman he’s dealing with on the internet transfers the money into his account” –Jay Leno
“Hey, congratulations to David Cook, the American Idol. … I believe he received an unbelievable 50 million votes … which I think is a new record. … In fact, he got so many votes, Hillary offered him the VP spot.” –Jay Leno
“Jenna Bush was recently married. I understand, as his wedding gift to the couple, President Bush gave them two $600 stimulus checks.” –Jay Leno
