[Jokes from May 9, 2016]
“Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won’t support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that’s also known, ‘a Facebook post’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, ‘Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.'” – Conan O’Brien
“House Speaker Paul Ryan today defended himself against criticism from fellow Republicans over his reluctance to endorse Donald Trump and said, ‘I just want to get to know the guy.’ ‘Us, too’, said Eric and Donald Jr.” – Seth Meyers
“On ‘Meet the Press’ yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, ‘I don’t know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.’ Then his butlers said, ‘Just barely’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet.” – Seth Meyers
“A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.” – Stephen Colbert
“The guy says whenever he deals with Bernie supporters they don’t pay him — as opposed to the Trump supporters, who make Mexico pay him.” – Stephen Colbert
“This morning, Bernie Sanders held a rally in Atlantic City. Sanders said, ‘I have a lot in common with Atlantic City — we were both in our prime in the 1920s.'” – Conan O’Brien
“North Korea’s ruling political party announced today that they will be giving leader Kim Jong Un a new title. I’m gonna guess: Is it the heavyweight title?” – Seth Meyers
