“The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute – which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, ‘Hey, I’m investigating here.'” – Conan O’Brien
“David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don’t know what’s more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote.” – Craig Ferguson
“The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro.” – Seth Meyers
“Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama’s screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.” – Conan O’Brien
“The White House computers were hacked. They stole all of Michelle Obama’s secret kale recipes.” – David Letterman
“I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan.” – David Letterman
“I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets chances of making the play-offs.” – David Letterman
“A man in a President Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as ‘armed and incapable of reforming immigration’.” – Craig Ferguson
“After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.” – Craig Ferguson
“Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say ‘We’re sorry’ in all three languages.” – Jimmy Fallon
